Life as it goes...

3. Talks and Angels

Sam

I made my decision, I turn carefully, one leg over the ledge then the other, he runs towards me to help me. He is still here, maybe he does care. When I got off the bridge all I could do was break down, I fell to the floor and he followed, he sat next to he holding me close, soothing me, slowly talking. He described himself as Max, he has black hair, green eyes and a soothing voice. He tried to told me that he knew me in a sense, he had seen the accident and he has been keeping an eye on me as run nearly everyday and was taking care that I never stopped at the bridge like I had today. We talked about anything and everything from school to what it had been like to see the accident from his window. He told me that he lost his sister to suicide on the very same bridge we were at. She was two years older than he was but had never reached the age of twenty. He slowly described what it felt like to be on the opposite side of things, he told me about the million times he saw me in the streets and wanted to talk to me but he was too shy.

Slowly as the night turned into day sun and I regained my sense of self and we stood up and slowly made our way back to the streets. I didn't know where we were going, the streets were foreign to me but somehow I trust him, surely we ended up in his parents house. He made me a cup of tea and we stood there is silence taking in all that just happened. After about half an hour or so I thought of sipping on tea and awkward silence we began to talk again. We talked about everything, I haven't felt this instant connection with anyone apart from Steve my brother. When all of a sudden the topic turned on the accident once again. I started to describe what went on from my perspective in December. And so I got lost in the story....

"....The dreaded day has arrived, my brother's death anniversary, it had been five years but I still remember the sadness it brought. It's way to cold to get out of bed, but I can hear my mother calling my name from the kitchen, I hope I don't have to go to school today. I cannot survive another day there, no one gets me, no one understands, the sadness of this day. They just live their lives like it's a regular day. I get out of bed to be welcomed by the news that we were taking a family day, my father had already called in to work and my school, it was a family emergency as he put it, well it may not have been an emergency but it was still a family issue. We spent the morning at home when Uncle Antoine called, Auntie Anna just had twins, maybe this day could be not so bad, maybe from now to the 5th of December would be remembered for something other than my brother's death. My father was ecstatic and could not wait another second at home, we packed some essentials and set on the road trip to my aunt's.

About half an hour into the trip we were all jamming out to Guns and Roses when suddenly my father warned us that we were going to crash either into the oncoming car or into the tree, he knew that we could not stop that fast and then everything froze, as if I was watching a movie and the action was in slow motion. I saw the bewilderment in the other driver's face as he saw us, the passenger in the other car, the screeching breaks, my mother's scream, my father swerved the care to avoid crashing into the car and so we crashed into the trees. I saw the other driver and the passenger get out of their car, helping me out, when I got out all I could do was scream until all of a sudden everything went dark.

I can hear voices someone is talking, they are talking about me but not to me, I can hear my name but no one realises I am awake,I am trying to open my eyes but I can't. Why cant' I open my eyes? I tried to scream but my lips are glued shut. Am I dead? Am I imagining the voices? I try to move but my body is paralysed under me. Am I dead? I am shifting in and out of consciousness, the voices are still talking about me but not to me,my eyes and lips are still shut and my body is dead. If I am not dead, I think I am in a coma. I wish someone talks to me, I wish someone tells me what is happening but I can't communicate with them and they do not know. Bright white, white walls, white sheets, white robes, white curtains, white people looking down on me as if I am the masterpiece in a museum. I try to talk but my lips fail me, I get up to run but my body is unresponsive. I didn't die. I failed myself again why didn't I die? It would have been easier.

It took 3 more months until I was ready to leave the hospital but I had no were to go, Auntie Anna could not take me in, she lived far away and now she has Kate and Emma, they are quite a handful. I would be a nuisance. My social worker tries to find me a home but I am broken and no one wants to take in a broken child into their home. No one could be bothered with that hassle. I will just have to live in an orphanage, I do not even get to choose were I was sent to a different town. I do not live in a large country so the towns are very very close to each other but it still makes a difference to me. I cannot be bothered with this arrangement, it will give me a new start, a new life maybe the nightmares and memories will not follow me there...."
He did not react, his face did not show sympathy or pity but he was calm as if he was not following my words but my voice. I never felt so comfortable with a stranger in my life, I feel as if I have known him all of my life. Silence embraces us once again and I haven't even realised I have drifted off to sleep on the sofa of a guy I just met the day before. All of a sudden the front door creeks opens and a dainty woman holding a one year old enters. She seems shocked to see me and so I take it as my cue to leave. Max is still in his own world as I grab my phone, thank his mother and leave. I had not realised it was already dark outside. I checked my phone, Keren my social worker has called me about a million times and so has Khoa the group home leader. They must be terrified to wake up to an empty bed, spend the whole day calling all for nothing. As I walk back home I realised that I was not alone anymore, now I had Max, my guardian angel.