It has been just one week since John told me he was leaving me for some artist called Yoko Ono. I had previously walked in on them in my home sitting cross legged on the floor dressed in dressing gown ( may i state john had the nerve to give Yoko my dressing gown) just staring at each other. It was so strange and it really shocked me at how in sync they were. It just didnt feel natural to me for them to be so close in such a short amount of time.
I asked john "who the hell is this woman? and what is she doing in my home?" but john just stared at me his eyes glazed over and smiled at me. Here he was with another woman and he just smiled at me. I honestly felt like i could of slapped that smile of his face but ive never been violent and wasnt going to start now. It was plain to see that he was on some kind of drug as he just wasn't in the room with us while Yoko smiled at me with no shame that she was with a married man. The confidence and aggogance this woman had knocked the wind out of my sails. Here she was with a married man in his marrital home and she showed no remorse and no emotion that she shouldnt even be there.
The worse part was i never knew that mine and johns 5 year old daughter Beth was standing behind me and saw her beloved daddy with another woman. I turned to Beth and went to give her a hug but she backed away from me never taking her eyes off her daddy and then she ran to her room.
The anger just rose in me i stormed straight over to Yoko and grabbed her black hair and pulled her to her feet while she yelled at me and told her in a not a so nice way to get out of my house and that she was to bring my husband with her and she done just that. John got off the ground and stumbled to the door and left with that woman and didn't look back not even once. He left so easily like he didnt care that he was breaking my heart and breaking up out wee family.
The past week has just been a blur Beth has been staying at her grandmas house as i haven't been mentally able to look after her. I have been left completely gutted by john's actions. I'm not some dumb woman i know that while he was on tour with the Beatles that he had cheated on me many times. On our way home from India a month ago he got drunk and cruelly told me he had cheated on me many of times even with my own friends but i accepted that and I forgiven him as I love him. I knew that with those women it was just sex but this time it was different. I knew their was feelings involved this time i know that he loves her especially as its written all over the British newspapers 'Lennon's found himself a new love'. I'm completely embarrassed its one thing for your husband to leave you for another woman but a woman that I can't relate to.A woman that's so different from me. I have had to deal with it being written on the newspapers for all the world to read and for john to be flaunting her about like she is a precious diamond is hurtful to me and our daughter who I'm sure has seen it also. It feels like we suddenly don't matter and i feel like somehow we never have really mattered to him. Thats a hard pill to swallow.
Being completely alone in the home i shared with him is just to painful. Everywhere i look i see reminders of him and its heartbreaking knowing that he has moved on so quickly. That he must not have loved me at all. That i have wasted all those years loving someone who is now like a stranger to me. I dont know this man anymore. All these thoughts run threw my head. I reach for the wine bottle and i open the cupboard and grab the largest wine glass that i have and fill it to the brim. I walk into the living room and switch on the TV. Alcohol is the only thing that is getting me threw this. Its taking the edge of my pain and helps me sleep. Being truthful i have had a bottle of wine every night since this whole thing happened but it helps me function without him.
Time has flown by and before i know it its 12pm and i have finished the whole bottle of wine like I do every night since he's left . i stumble my way up the stairs and collapse into a drunken sleep.
I wake up the next morning with a very sore head and a strong craving for a glass of wine but its 9am and i know i cant drink this early. I cant actually drink at all today as Beth is coming back home and i tried to get her to stay with her grandma for a while longer.I know that I'm not able to look after her as well as i did before.
My heads scrambled and my hearts broken and i just don't have the will power to do anything productive but Beth insisted that she wanted to come home. She was bored at her grandmas so home is where she is coming.
i stepped into the shower and hoping that the hot water will make me appear ok. After i had finished i put on a clean outfit and just scraped my wet hair into a loose bun i honestly could not care about my appearance nothing really mattered to me no more. I haven't been looking after myself at all. I haven't been eating and i have just lost all my appetite and i wasn't to bothered about it.
Noticing the time i grabbed my car keys and left the house and jumped into my car and made my way to my mums house to collect Beth.
I entered my mums house
"hello mum Beth where are you's?"
"were in the back garden" i heard my mum shout.
when i stepped into the garden my mum looked at me with complete horror
"Cynthia you look horrid your so pale"
"thanks mum that's exactly what i needed to hear" i sighed knowing my appearance would not go down well with my mothers high standard regarding how I looked
"you should of put some make up on to cover your paleness and you could of done something with your hair its too messy Cynthia"
'well I'm sorry but i thought i was here to collect my daughter not to be judged on how I'm looking today. My husband just left me and I'm struggling to cope but all your worried about is whether i look pretty today" i shouted at my mother who was shocked as i have never raised my voice to her before i have always been respectful to her and gave her alot of respect but i just didn't need any more negativity
" Beth come on darlin come say your goodbyes to grandma where leaving now"
beth who was playing with mums dog buster didnt want to leave yet
"aww mum can i play with buster for 5 more minutes" she pleaded
"NO I TOLD YOU TO SAY GOODBYE TO GRANDMA SO COME AND SAY GOODBYE"
Beth came over to her grandma and gave her a hug
" bye mamoo ill see you soon"
" goodbye bug"
i took beth by the hand and we got into the car and i drove her home thinking about how am i gonna be able to make it to beths bedtime without a glass of wine.
