Blue Belt

Chapter 12

                                                                              XII.

            The feel of her hand on my thigh was completely arousing.  She had such a soft touch, and such a grace to her presence.  I maintained my position as long as I could, trying to have the perfect stance.  Cammie was pointing out that I needed to have a deeper stance for the part of the form Hinode which we were going through together.  That moment, as she stood close to me and used her hands to guide my body into a better position, seemed to be happening in slow motion.  It was amazing.

              I had been in quite the mood since achieving the green belt, and my good fortune continued when on the way home from the bon fire Jed and I walked back with Cammie, who asked me if I wanted to work with her on the form the following Sunday.  Of course I took her up on that and hustled down to the dojo right after work that day.  So there I was, performing Hinode, and having Cammie trying to add more detail to my moves, and to my timing as well.  Where previously we had cool conversations, like at the restaurant on the pier, this was far better.  It was the first time that I felt a genuine connection between us; like she got something from us hanging out together as well.

            When the practice was over we visited briefly as I asked her about what she had done on Saturday, and about the form she was working on.  But other than that she seemed to be on her way off somewhere, and I did not want to ask and ask without having her ask me much in return.  So I just left and went back up to the room.  I knew I'd have to find a way to strike up more conversation, and that I wanted to see about the two of us doing more together.

            My mood changed somewhat suddenly though as I was beginning to write a letter to Lane from back home.  I wanted to give him an update on where I was at and tell him of my enthusiasm.  I had spoke with him on the phone about a month ago, but I wanted to elaborate in a letter this time.  And I had promised him I would, and this was already overdue.  As I wrote the words though, I slowly had an emotional pause come over me.  Just like when I talked to him on the phone, it brought me back closer to the emotional state that I had spent much of my Senior year in.  I sat with the feeling this time without trying to so quickly push it away as I had done after the call.  I could see there was a sense of guilt that I was feeling.  Finally I had to put the pen down for a moment.  I began to ask myself what the hell I was doing and why was I celebrating?  It was stark how much different I felt suddenly about things.  Okay, stay calm I told myself; just breathe.  But wait, how I could sit here and write like this while Corey lives his life in a wheel chair?  Suddenly life felt uneasy again.  I tried to remain calm.  I sat at my desk trying to clear my mind. 

            "No, you sit up front with Tina."  What the hell did I mean by that?  I should have been the one driving that car.  I saw the scenery from the top of the Ferris Wheel we had been on together; the gorgeous landscape that we took in together on that May afternoon.  It was gone.  I tried again to clear my mind.  I put my head on my desk, glad that no one was around.  I fought back tears as I got up and closed our door, pushing in the lock as well.  I thought of Lane and how I much I missed him.  I sat down on my bed and spent a few minutes just trying to clear my head.  I took out a picture of Kris from my wallet and just stared at it for some time.  As I looked at her and spent more time sitting there alone I started to feel slightly better.  Then I remembered that being there would not help either, as I could not function back home.  My senior year, the best year of my life, was a fucking joke; I thought of a black abyss.  I decided to lay down on my bed and just breathe deeply for a while.  Again, I caught a tear flowing out of the corner of my eye.  My feelings were slowly coming back down to earth.  I just laid there on my bed and thought "push on".  I don't need to write Lane right now.  He had encouraged me to come here.  I can just move forward.  I can't be thinking of Cammie like this.  Just let's see where this experience takes me.  Lane was right, it was good I left home.  I continued to take slow and deep breaths as I'd been shown how to do, trying to just let the thoughts drift by.  Just keep my mind off the black abyss.  I thought of Lane, and about how much he'd enjoy seeing some of the things I saw here.  Again, I said to myself : just move forward, just move forward.  Soon I was asleep.