Blue Belt

Chapter 19

                                                                  XIX.

        My heart sank when I arrived at form class that Friday.  I got there late, not really wanting it to be awkward for me as I still had not heard back from Cammie, and I figured she thought we'd talk after this class.  It's not like I had gone off and tried to chase her down, and according to the office she was still around.  I just had not seen from her.  And I was not going to call again; I had left her two messages and a note, so I was quite sure she got the message.  But when I looked into what was a big turnout for the Friday class, I did not see Cammie.  I was sure that I would catch her here.  I had been tempted to ask Sheri who was there, and who I'd seen hanging out with Cammie on a few occasions, but I did not see the need.  She was probably busy I thought as I took a seat next to Clay.  We had gone longer periods of time without talking, in fact far longer.  But I tended to see her at these meetings if nothing else.  As I stood there, and we started to stretch, I reminded myself that while I thought for sure I'd see her here, that I was just disappointed that I did not.  I probably should not assume anything, which is also why I had not gone beating on her door to find her.  It could be that she was still somehow busy with the expo in some way.  Also, she sometimes taught at the other dojo downtown.  As we walked through a couple forms as a class, I knew that this practice was the very thing I needed to realize that what I really just had to do is stop worrying.  

            I got to know the name of the one instructor I had not worked with during my time here.  His name was Juan and he would be leading us tonight.  I'd certainly seen him around, as he is a black belt here from Mexico.  He was rumored to be one of the nicest guys to work with, and he most certainly was.  His way of explaining elements of the forms, and the fact that he seemed to go at a slightly slower pace, fit me very well.  He also seemed to smile the whole time.  Now here was a guy who really enjoyed what he was doing.  He actually was one of Chang's favorite colleagues here, as I had overheard him talking about Juan at one point.

            At first I thought it was a great idea when Juan suggested that our class perform "bengosha", the form we would also be using at the exam next week, in front of everyone.  We needed more practice doing the whole thing in front of a big group just as we had done before with our previous form.  Plus, I had not performed this one at a tournament, and had not practiced this one like I was going to be in such an event.  So Juan's instruction I thought fit well with what I thought our class needed.  I was not worried though, because we had been working on it extensively in our normal green belt classes.  Somehow I knew things were off a bit for me once we got going.  I was thinking about it much more than usual, and if I had to think it through, my timing was not going to be the best.  I was able to make due for about half the form, but at one point, I just blanked, and had to think too much about which way to pivot after landing from one of the kicks.  I had done this particular move many times before, but I just struggled in that instant.  I looked at the others to get the clue, but by that time they were a move ahead of me.  I was embarrassed when, with just over a week before our exam, I had to even skip a move just to catch up.  I finished up the form fine, but I could tell my overall execution was off for most of that second half from having to rush and think about what happened.  The second half then did not feel crisp at all.  My stomach was in knots as we sat down.  I was not sure what had happened to me.

            To make matters worse, after a couple other groups of people presented their form, Juan had the brilliant idea of having the class step through the moves for a brown stripe form.  This was one of the forms that I knew Cody had been working on.  But I absolutely struggled to follow Juan, and I thought he went too fast being that we were doing it step by step as a class.  I was not able to set my thoughts of frustration aside.  While Charles and Julie were not at this session, the rest of my class was, and they struggled mightily with it as well.  However, they seemed to take it in stride, which at least kept them moving along, but I know that I must have been showing visual signs of frustration with it in front of everyone.  When we finally got done, where normally I look forward to staying and visiting with people, I quickly headed straight back to the room.