We're Just Friends (Jaspar/Youtube)

Chapter 13: I'll be your anchor

Warning: Panic attack in this chapter.

Joe's dad stopped near us, reaching out to hug his son briefly before shaking Alfie's hand in greeting.

"Caspar," he acknowledged, nodding his head towards me.

"Hello," I replied.

"How is she?" Mr. Sugg asked turning to face Alfie. Alfie proceeded to relay what the doctor had said to Zoe's father. Joe was half-listening, anxiously bopping his foot against the floor again. I could tell he wanted to see Zoe in person before he would relax.

The doctor turned around, returning to us and interrupting the discussion Alfie and Mr. Sugg were having as he herded us towards Zoe's room and out of the hallway.

I trailed behind the rest of the group, my eyes glued to Joe's back as I catalogued the way he was acting. I needed to be prepared to act however Joe needed after he saw Zoe.

We reached room 12B. The doctor paused, exchanging the clipboard on the back of the door for the one in his hand before proceeding to enter the room.

The room was all white. Big surprise considering the rest of the hallway. They definitely needed a new interior designer. I also needed to stop the obnoxious little voice in my mind.

Zoe was on her back on her bed, hair fanned out around her. Part of her head was wrapped in gauze and her eyes were closed, eyelashes brushing the top of her cheekbones.

Her hands were flat on the bed. The only sound in the room was the tick of the heart rate monitor and the drip of the IV that ran into the wire attached to her arm.

Alfie made a sound of pain when he saw Zoe. Stepping forward to touch her, and then pulling back like he was afraid if he did touch her she would shatter into glass.

Zoe's dad approached the bed, eyes glued to the heart rate monitor as if too constantly reassure himself that she was still breathing.

Alfie leaned over her, knuckles brushing the side of her cheek in a gentle caress. His hand shook as he removed it, reaching for her hand.

The doctor excused himself and exited the room leaving us alone. Joe was standing stock still, staring at Zoe, as if he was willing her to wake up.

Alfie took one of the seats, hand gripping Zoe's as he stared at her. His eyes were watering slightly as he looked over at Joe and Mr. Sugg. Mr. Sugg reached down to pat Alfie on the shoulder awkwardly, like he wasn't sure how to go about conveying his own empathy towards Alfie while maintaining his own composure at seeing his daughter in a hospital bed.

Joe's eyes were scanning over Zoe, eyeing the bruises that were slowly turning purple and the cuts that were bandaged. He made a choked off sound, still not speaking. I set the duffle bags down in the corner, approaching him slowly.

I slid my hand softly into his, gripping it tightly, if only to anchor him to the present.

Mr. Sugg and Alfie were to focused on Zoe to realize what I'd done, thank goodness.

We stood in the room, barely moving, only breathing. I wasn't sure what we were waiting for, or if someone was praying but I didn't dare break the fragile silence that engulfed us.

The heart beat monitor picked up suddenly and Alfie and Joe's heads whipped around to stare at it.

It beeped, the lines going up and down erratically as Mr. Sugg hit the panic button on the wall.

I started forward, frozen as the line flatlined. Joe let out a noise of despair, reaching forward to grasp Zoe's hand.

"No, Zoe, come on," Joe choked out.

"Zoe, wake up, wake up right now, Zoe. Don't leave me alone," Alfie was muttering, voice clouded over in panic.

Nurses pushed in through the door, wheeling a crash cart as they pushed Mr. Sugg out the door. They tugged Alfie away from Zoe, demanding he move so they could help aid her.

Joe gripped her hand, turning to look at me. A wild light shone in his eyes like he couldn't accept that his sister may be dying.

"Mr. Sugg, please leave," The nurse demanded rushing around Zoe. I was pushed out of the room as another nurse rushed in.

Joe came out a few seconds later, the door slamming shut in front of us, blocking our view of Zoe. Alfie was crying, the kind of sobs a person who doesn't know what is happening or how the world could be so cruel makes. Mr. Sugg had his head leaning against the wall, eyes closed as if he could block out the world around him.

Joe was still staring at the door. He wasn't crying. I reached out for him, hoping to offer some comfort to him. The minute he felt me touch his arm he ripped it away.

"Don't touch me," Joe snapped, his voice thick with panic. His chest was moving up and down at an accelerated pace, his eyes wide in fear and grief.

"Joe," I whispered, reaching for him again, trying to pull him away from the door.

"No, no," Joe said turning around and hitting my arm.

"No, damnit, no," He yelled lashing out at me as I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him into my chest.

"Joe, you need to calm down," I whispered. He started sobbing then, terrible noises that shook me to the bone as he struggled to stop the panic attack that was overcoming him.

"Joe, come on, look at me," I said again as I turned him towards me. Joe was still struggling, except now he was clawing at his own throat, trying to let air into his chest.

I grasped Joe's head in my hands.

"Joe, look at me," I said again, picking up his hand and placing it on my own chest.

"In and out, shhh... in and out, follow my breathing, it's going to be okay, you're going to be fine," I said. Joe's breathing was still erratic as he tried to concentrate on mine.

We sunk to the ground, my arms wrapped tightly around him as he stopped struggling. His breathing slightly less irregular as he grabbed my shirt, hiding his face in my sweatshirt as I rocked us back and forth on the ground.

When I looked up at Mr. Sugg and Alfie they were both watching me. Mr. Sugg met my eyes, a knowing spark in his own watering eyes like he'd realized something.

He opened his mouth to say something before snapping it closed again.

Five minutes later the door opened and the nurses came out.

"She's stable," One of the nurses said, eyeing Joe and I on the floor with a sympathetic smile.

"We believe it was a reaction to one of her antibiotics. It's very rare, but she should be alright. The doctor will be watching her closely to make sure the new medications won't have the same effect." The nurse said.

"She's okay?" Alfie asked, wiping his eyes.

"Yes, sir," The nurse said before walking off down the hall.

The doctor came out of the room.

"It's okay if you want to go back in," he said. Alfie and Mr. Sugg nodded and moved to enter the room. Mr. Sugg looked back down at Joe and I.

"Will this effect whether or not she wakes up?" I asked.

"We don't know. We can only hope for the best," The doctor said.

Joe was breathing normally now, but still shaking slightly as he recovered from his panic attack. I ran my hand through his hair as we leaned against the wall. We didn't need to enter Zoe's room right now. As long as she was stable, I would sit with Joe for as long as he needed.

a.n. I have only ever had one panic attack in my life, and no one was there to help me so I hope I did okay conveying it here. I know these chapters have been super angsty. I promise the next chapter will be less sad and also have a kiss or two (though it probably won't be romantic... i have some ideas though that involve Caspar slamming Joe against a hospital wall and making out with him...uhhh...we'll just leave it at that...   ;)