Short Stories

Andrei

My life is a good one. I'm rich, my girlfriend is a financially stable, really intelligent woman with a great personality and no problem challenging gender roles. My law firm business is booming, I have lots of friends, and my family isn't very dysfunctional. Why am I so sad? It isn't rational. It doesn't make sense. I should be the happiest person on the planet, but I'm just... not? I hide it well, people genuinely like me because I'm constantly smiling, and I try my hardest to be kind to a fault. Sure, I have my quirks, I like to play Zelda, probably more than I should, I have an imaginary frog in my pocket, I'm always super prepared for anything, and I'm a huge fan of card games, and board games. Elle claims that I'm pretty much a whiz at cribbage. My dad is a history professor, and my mom is a quirky lady with a kind heart and great skills in the kitchen. 

My best friend and girlfriend, Elle, is the kindest, sweetest woman you could possibly hope to meet. She is soft, kind, and we are so much alike it sometimes scares me. She loves to bake, read, write, and craft. She is a special ed teacher at the local high school, and she works part-time at my law firm. She is a social butterfly, and she just lights up any room she walks into. I can trust her with anything, and she is the best secret-keeper I've ever met, besides maybe her best friend, Haley. Elle loves math, and even when she gets frustrated, she doesn't give up. She's so emotional and I love that she is so open with me. Sometimes I feel like I'm not open enough with her because keeping the smile on my face is so important. I NEED to keep that face-up, or I'll crumble in front of people, and I can't risk that. 

Reba... I'm so sad about her. She was one of my close friends for awhile, and now she isn't even talking to me, or Elle. They were friends for a very long time, and they were "fighting" over me for awhile. I was oblivious at the time, and now that I've "chosen" Elle... for awhile it seemed like it was getting better, but now Reba is completely ignoring me, and Elle. I can't fathom why. Maybe that's part of my sadness, but it can't account for the deep sadness I have. I don't know if I'll ever understand my sadness. 

I like to sing, I'm a bass, and I find that singing is quite relaxing. Haley, I mentioned her earlier, also likes to sing. She's a soprano, I think, and she is really good at history. She's incredibly motivated, and I admire her for that, but she just doesn't slow down for anything, it's like she's running from something or someone. She's rather intelligent, and we get along, we're both hugely nerdy, but sometimes I feel like she can see right into my soul like she can see past my smile. That makes me nervous, because if she can see, then so can other people. She'll definitely tell Elle when she gets it, and they'll both leave me. Haley is like a sister, so losing her and Elle in one fell swoop would be devastating. 

You're wondering, I bet, what's behind the facade, right? Well, sometimes I'm not really sure because I'm so busy putting up my facade, I don't really focus on who I really am. Something in me is sad, probably about my brother. He doesn't really talk to us anymore; he was practically my best friend growing up, and now he just up and left, because he had an argument with Mom and Dad. I think in trying to protect my true self I may have lost it. 

I can't seem to stop fidgeting. I'm just suddenly uncomfortable. There are people everywhere, and I'm wondering if they can see me.  

My hands are shaking so badly. I'm trying to do magic tricks for Elle and Haley. I can't control it. I don't want to mess up and make a fool of myself, and I definitely want to impress Elle. I can just see them laughing if I mess up, and how they'll tell everyone that I messed up. I did, too, but Elle said that she was still impressed, even though I failed. 

I'm so stupid. I can hear her talking, Kelly is her name, she's complaining about how slowly I read.  I had to stand up and read a financial report for the company, and I was trying so hard not to mess up, that I guess I was reading really slowly. It kinda bothers me, because I know I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but she was just kind of rubbing it in, especially because she said it loud enough so she knew I could hear it. I could physically see Haley's jaw tighten when she heard what Kelly said, but I stopped her from confronting Kelly. I don't like conflict, and I'll avoid it at all costs, even my pride, and dignity. 

Elle has been telling me lately that I'm a genius, and I think she might've figured out that I'm self-conscious, so I decide it is probably best to come clean with her. I tell her everything, my anxiety around people, the stress I feel whenever she introduces people to me. Even meeting Haley for the first time was so stressful and terrifying. She is a lot more understanding than most people, however, and there aren't many people like Haley. She might actually be stranger than me. I tell her about my need to be prepared constantly, and about how I feel pressure from my mom and dad not to be like my brother and just up and leave. How I stress about reading in front of anybody because I'm stupid and dumb and I can't read very fast. I tell her about the nerves, how I just can't seem to stop moving, ever, and how I just feel keyed up and anxious whenever I'm in a social situation. 

She gave me a big hug after that and told me that I wasn't stupid, and that being anxious in social situations was okay. She told me she'd help me, and show me how to just be me, not the constantly happy me, but she said she'd help me start to show my emotions a little bit more, if only just to her at first. She is so good to me, I love her, and she is such an encouragement and help. I trust her more than anybody, and it felt really good to tell her everything. The best part was that she just got it. She didn't ask questions, she just acted and gave me a hug. 

Talking with Elle has been helping. I know Haley most likely knows, because she and Elle are so close, and she is scarily perceptive. I've started to care a little less about my reading because Elle and I have been reading out loud to each other for awhile now, since I told her. The need for perfection is slipping away, and while that's scary, it feels kind of nice to have that weight slip off of my shoulders. I feel like I don't have to be perfect anymore, not everybody has to like me, I just have to like myself for myself and be confident in who I am. I am Andrei, and I am proud to say that, now.