OCD

Group Therapy

I walk into the conference room. 12 steps. Everyone stops to stare at me except for one girl. She waves me over to sit by her. Her name tag says Ashley.
"First time in group?" She says.
"Yeah, how did you know?" I respond.
"You're curling in on yourself."
I start to uncurl when suddenly I realize I didn't count my steps. I freeze, earning odd looks from some and understanding looks from others. Just then, the counselor walks in. She says her name is Izzie. We go around the circle, and introduce ourselves, our names and what our OCD tells us to do.
When it gets to me, I say "Spencer. I have to count my steps and do things the same way every day." I get an understanding smile from a girl called Jess and a sympathetic nod from a boy named Todd. After introductions, we split into groups with specialists. 23 steps to the little room I'm lead to. I see Todd and Jess counting silently as they come to the same group. Our counselor is named Wyatt. He tells us to tell him our routines and numbers. We do, and then he tells us to walk to the other side of the room. Since we're in our own little area, we all count out loud. He then tells us to walk back counting in our heads. We all make it across fine. Then, he makes us go one at a time without counting to the other side and back. Jess goes first. She stumbles a little bit and has to pause a couple times but she does it in 5 minutes. Todd goes next. He does it just fine, only pausing once. 3 minutes. Now its my turn. I take two steps and have to stop and breathe. I hear them talking but I can't understand them. I close my eyes and go for it, but then have to stop again. "5 minutes." Wyatt calls out. I look up and see I'm not even halfway there. C'mon Spence, you got this. I think to myself and take a deep breath. I make it to the wall and I've started to go back when suddenly I can't. My chest tightens and I vaguely feel my knees hit the floor. Todd screams , and Wyatt calmly tells Jess to go get Matthew, who's waiting in the lobby. He comes over and lifts me, carrying me to a chair. I find my self counting out loud, and suddenly there's blackness.

I wake up 10 minutes later to Matthew's worried face. Wyatt is explaining what happened. Matt takes me in his arms as I sob into his shoulder. He tells me that it's okay, it's not my fault.

One day I'll make it all the way across the room and back without counting, but that day is not today.