so, today's been rough. i havent had my normal schedule. i have extra work to do. bad intrusive thoughts. rejection. eating disorder. depression. but im gonna tell you what today was like, from my eyes, from someone with ocd.
6:43 wake up, get out of bed
6:45 get dressed
6:50 brush teeth, etc.
7:00 eat breakfast
7:12 leave
that's my normal schedule.
today:
6:30 wake up, can't fall back asleep.
6:35 get dressed
6:45 brush teeth, etc.
7:13 grab granola bar and a juice box
7:20 rush out the door so im not late
so I already knew it was gonna be a rough day.
i get to school, and when the bell rings i go to my locker. i stand in the little alcove while i wait and chloe isnt there like she usually is, great i killed her because I didn't step through the door with my left foot first. i make it to math, and oh shit i need to get out my homework and my textbook. there are 5 problems for a warm up, and way too many 7's. I can't do it, there's too many 7's. i do it anyway, and by the end of the hour im shaking really badly because of all the Bad Numbers. okay, it'll be better after choir. except we do things in the wrong order, and we're not supposed to be looking over this week's theory homework on tuesday, that happens on mondays. counting to 14 repeatedly to calm down, and fidgeting with my beads, i somehow make it through second hour. okay, language arts. that can't be too bad, can it? sharing poems, okay this is fi- wait why did you go that way why i cant fix it i cant touch the wall so that you dont die oh look im responsible for another death. breathing, in out in out in out in out. my handwriting is getting worse as i go along. bell rings. health passes with minimal pain. residual ick from earlier but nothing new. lunch. goes smoothly until we go to the gym. we were supposed to go outside today, the weather is nice. now i have to replan the whole day. shaking, shaking, shaking. not an earthquake, just my leg. people are not in the Right seats and i am going to hell now because i stood up and turned to the left first. gotta quick pop my elbow until the thought goes away. shit, touched the stage. hand sanitizer. only 1 drop. social studies is fuckin hell. in the 7th grade flex room, no normal seats, unexpected and blunt change. I almost skip 6th hour. science is okay. problem is when someone sits at my table for group work, which is where i always sit every day and i now have to be across the classroom. orchestra is okay. homeroom is hellish, people do not understand how to stick with a schedule. oh well at least it's after school choir today. just kidding, it got cancelled bitch. waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting, ana's dad left without her. we go all over town before i get dropped off at home. not a bad thing but unexpected and very stress inducing. ok, just get home have a snack then relax until your cello lesson. hmm wait didnt that get cancelled too? yes, it did. get back home, eat dinner, work on homework, then shower. hottest water possible, get all of the germs off of me. burn today off, i dont care if it hurts. brush teeth and mouthwash, say goodnight to parents, come to my room, take meds, lay down, lights off, and here we are. me giving you a LIGHT version of what i went through today.
do you still think ocd is not a big deal?
do you still think ocd is just being clean?
do you still think ocd is a cute quirk that you can choose to have?
do you still think im perfectly sane?
YOU ARE READING
OCD
NouvellesA short story about Spencer, a freshman in college who has OCD. Now with assorted poems and rambles from my perspective. yayy The first story in my series about mental illness. They do not have to be read in order.
