I dropped my ruck off on the floor and sat down on the loudest metal bed I have ever heard. It sounds like screeching eels during maiting season, and all I am doing is breathing on the damn thing. I stare at my computer thinking how grateful I am that I don't have to go sit outside for the free wi-fi anymore. The weather took a drastic turn for the worst in the last 2 weeks and I don't remember the last time I felt warm. My heater has yet to be fixed and so I spend most of the day and night looking like "Mommy's little piggie" off of the Christmas Story. The good news is I can tell my kids that Mom walked to work up hill both ways in the snow. Then I will say, and that will be why you don't...because I would never want to inflict that on anyone...let alone my own children. My work day is finally over and I get a whole 9 hours off before I have to get back there. There is so much time I don't know what to do with myself. I am too tired to shower, but I look down and see my fingernails have dirt under them. I wonder how long they have been dirty, and why I never noticed. I stare at them for a good two minutes wondering how they got so long and dirty. What happened to me? The girl who prides herself on being clean, neat and organized can't even clean her fingernails or bring herself to take a shower? I never maintained these things to impress anyone, but because I wanted to for me. There just any time for ME anymore. My eight hour shifts were long and exhausting enough, but the twelve hour shift I have been working have taken everything out of me. "Dinner" tonight was a friend's leftovers that he didn't eat from his breakfast and that was the nicest thing anyone did for me all day. After dealing with bad weather all morning and being at work with nothing substantial to eat...that was honestly one of the nicest gestures. I had strawberries for the first time in months, and although they were nowhere near the quality that I am used to...they almost brought tears to my eyes. Weird, I know. But just the taste of a fruit made me remember summer, fresh food, and home. It made me happy and sad all in a split second. Then the phone rang with a weather update and the moment was gone. There is hardly time to "break down" here and just process the magnitude of what is really happening. I know that goes against all things that you are "supposed" to do when you are going through stressful experiences, but there is no other option here. I don't have time to tell a pilot, "hold on Sir..I can't brief you your weather. I am having a moment with this strawberry." Somehow I think that would probably land me in the mental health clinic. No matter what is going on in my personal life or the world around me I can't ever let that affect the safety of the pilots and passengers that I am responsible for. A perfect example of that is when the guys in the TOC (Tactical Operations Center ie: where I work) decide to have their little Nerf gun fights. They run around like kids and shoot each other. These fights get pretty serious some nights and eye protection is a must. I am always too busy to partake, but somehow I am centered in the middle of it and eventually get hit in the crossfire. I never really mind, since I would love to play myself, and was raised with 2 brothers. On one particular incident I am sitting at my desk enjoying a moment where I am not rushing around (hence browsing Facebook) and a MEDEVAC (Medical Evacuation) request came through. I have less than 2 minutes to get the weather out to the pilots so they can take off, and here I am stressed out trying to figure out what the enroute weather is going to be...especially with snow moving into the area. I am in full stress out mode when a Nerf dart goes flying by me, I hear whoops and hollars, one guy goes running by me and then a dart hits me on the shoulder. I wanted to just scream like a Mother at her misbehaving kids, but I couldn't...it wasn't going to change anything and I knew that I needed to separate what was important and what wasn't. There really is no time to just lose it at people. Patience, discipline and fortitude are forced here, and I can't say that is a bad thing, but at what mental cost I don't know. Nerf wars in the TOC aren't going to break me, but its the big things I wonder about. When it all just hits me later. Until it does I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and make sure I clean my fingernails on a regular basis.
