Forget Me Not (Forgotten Series Companion Chapters)

Broken Masks

Bailey
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Anxiety tore at my chest, squeezing it, compressing it, until I couldn't breath. I clenched my teeth together tightly even as they groaned in protest. I wouldn't allow myself to be seen as weak, to be seen as broken. I was getting better and that was what was needed of me.

I tried to even out my breathing, to stop the gasping for air before it began. I felt like I was drowing, like I was stuck just below the surface of the water but unable to break through. I closed my eyes tightly. I couldn't let them see. Couldn't let them see the cracks forming on the edges of my face.

I knew I wasn't cut out for it and the pressure it would shove down on my shoulders. I wasn't even cut out to be a mate to a normal pack member. I knew, deep down, that I was no Alpha Female. Alpha Females looked like Shey, their heads high as if nothing in the world could touch them. They were strong and could stand the dominance that was thrown at them, not cower under it like a whipped dog.

I wanted to laugh. No better description for me than that. I was nothing more than a scared little whipped dog that was suddenly the master's favourite. A little puppy lost in the position they had been given and trying so hard to please their master. To not let the cracks show so they wouldn't be tossed back to the pound.

I tried so hard not to break for Davin. I tried so hard not to fall apart. I wanted to be the strong Alpha Female he must have dreamed about, that he must have wanted. I tried so hard but I was failing. Failing at getting better, failing at holding it together, failing at us. How could I continue to look at him, to smile at him, and lie? I was cracking under my own inadequacies and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I envied Maricella. I watched her as she pushed forward with such ease. She would fall down only to pick herself up again and keep going. She never looked back, always forward. She always looked towards the horizon, to her destination, and never once stopped in her journey. She had a mate that was with her, that expected nothing.

I floundered on the edge of who I had been with a mate who wanted an Alpha Female. A strong female who could hold her head up high and meet the gaze of those who came to see her, who could stand beside her mate and mix her dominance with his. It was impossible because all I was, was a timid female who flinched at loud noises and sudden moves. I was a female who found quiet corners to hide in so I could cry until my throat and eyes burned from the effort. I was a female who couldn't hold eye contact no matter how hard I tried. I was a female who buckled under any pressure and put a smile on my face to let the world know I was fine even when I felt like I hung off a cliff by my fingers and everything screamed at me that I would fall.

I couldn't show them I was anything but fine. The Alpha pair were the back bone of the pack. They were the founding strength. When that strength was broken, was flawed from the start, where did that leave the pack? It left it to flounder just like me. I couldn't allow that. I needed to hold my head high and pretend that it was okay. That I was getting better even when I knew I was getting no where.

Amber spoke all these words, told me all these things but I couldn't understand them. Mari nodded when I repeated them, telling me them once more in her own way, her grey eyes soft as she would hold my hand. It was in times like those that I wanted to crack open, to break, because I knew Mari would be strong enough for the both of us. That she would grasp my hand like she did that day in Tacita and she would bring me to safety once more. But I didn't because I was to be Alpha Female and I needed to be strong. To show that I could handle it even when I felt like I couldn't handle breathing.

A warm hand cupped my face and I leaned into the touch, instinctively seeking out the comfort it brought. "Are you okay, Bells?" Soft concern rolled off Davin's voice and I fought to keep my breathing even and my eyes free of tears before I nodded.