Forget Me Not (Forgotten Series Companion Chapters)

Painful Truths

TW: Mentions of Child Sexual Abuse

Amber

~~

That sound, of those square toed dress shoes, walking down the hall.

A sound that makes me stiffen as I hear it coming. I'm breathing heavy, the fear coming up to choke me.

The smell of the cigarettes and booze soon follow as that door creaks open.

I feel like I can't move, can't breathe. I can't bring that scent into my lungs, I can't take it inside me because it's killing me, even now.

A finger wrapping around a lock of my hair and tugging gently, almost teasingly before a rasp of a voice sounds.

'Good girl.'

I woke up with a sharp inhale my chest tight, my breathing laboured and my heart pounding so hard that was all I could hear. I blinked at the darkness of my room, the dream clinging to me so hard that bile rose up in my throat. I wanted to bolt, wanted to hide but I could understand what was happening. I was safe in my room, Andrew was sleeping beside me, his face pressed mostly into his pillow but turned towards me slightly. My chest squeezed tighter and I closed my eyes tightly and try to breathe through it,

A panic attack.

I wondered for a moment what set it off before I brushed the thought away. My wolf has her hackles up, a deep and feral growl rattling her chest and I knew I couldn't expend the focus to calm her. I needed to deal with the panic attack. I focused on my breathing, taking big and slow breaths, in and out, in and out. I counted down inside my head, backwards from ten and then from twenty and then from thirty but it didn't go away.

I swallowed against the tightness in my throat and slowly shifted on the bed. "Kay?" Andrew's voice was sleepy and mumbled and I nodded before bending over and kissing his cheek to reassure him.

"Bathroom." I forced the word out, trying to keep my voice from shaking to prevent him from worrying. I loved my male, with everything inside me, but he couldn't help me with this.

I got off the bed and moved to the en suite bathroom. I made sure the door was closed behind me before I turned on the light. It was nearly blinding at first and I blinked rapidly before I moved to the sink. My hands shook violently and my breathing came out in wheezes. I knew I was having a panic attack, a result from that nightmare, but even knowing what it was wouldn't simply stop it. I simply had to ride it out and try to mitigate the symptoms as best as I could.

I turned on the water, letting it run until it was cold enough to sting before I grabbed a face cloth, trying to focus and not let the panic drag me down into a spiral. I got the cloth wet and wrung it out before I closed the toilet lid and sat down on it as I draped the cold cloth on the back of my neck and hung my head forward. The iciness was a shock to my system and I could feel everything freeze for a moment, a brief moment, but it was enough to have me leaning forward, resting my elbows on my knees and start my breathing all over again.

In and out, deep and slow as I counted backwards inside my head. First from ten, then from twenty, then from thirty. I breathed in on the even, exhaled on the odd. My body started to shake as the cloying panic receded but I repressed the urge to fight against the shaking, letting my body work out the adrenaline as safely as it could.

What had caused it?

The question formed in my head and I let it bounce around for a moment. It wasn't uncommon to get panic attacks but it was for me to wake up with them, to have that nightmare inside my head. Something triggered it. I continued to breathe in and out, deep and slow as I mulled the question over and over in my brain like it was a well worn coin I was flipping over and over and over again.