Forget Me Not (Forgotten Series Companion Chapters)

Telling Secrets

Nexus

I stared out the window, looking at the night sky. I had been up for a very long time staring at the sky. I felt like I couldn't sleep. The pressure of the pack, of my responsibilities, were shoving down on me hard. They always had but now that I was the Alpha it was even worse. I tightened my hands into fists. I had taken the position from Malak to save the pack and to punish him. He was a cruel and bitter male and I found my lip curling as I remembered all he had done.

He deserved the end and I let others think what they wished about me feeling for his death but I felt nothing but relief that he was gone. Years of being under his thumb, him lording over me with a cruel smirk, and him poking me because he knew it hurt, was over with and the only thing I felt with him gone was a moment of peaceful bliss that he would no longer torment me or my wolf.

I never knew how Malak had figured it out, I hadn't even known as I had grown up but he figured it out and while I hated myself for what I was, he tortured me for it. He held it over my head taunting me while I tried my hardest to ignore him, to make him believe what he knew was a lie. It was hard because while he was out with females I couldn't force myself to do the same. I threw myself into training, wanting to do something to drown out the difference I had.

The feelings I had were dirty, wrong, and disgusting. It was what had been hammered into me for years. Traditions dictated a cruel end to those with such vile urges, dictated a certain order of things where my thoughts would be my downfall. I hated myself for them, hated my wolf even more so for not caring. He never had to guess, never had the luxury to know what he was, was wrong. He simply was. He didn't know that looking at males like Malak looked at females wasn't natural or right.

I had fought with him for years over it, trying to change his immovable mind and will to be what we were required to be. I followed traditions to the letter, never letting anyone question me too deeply, never letting them look too closely at me. If I followed the traditions, became a person who pushed them hard, people acknowledged me but never looked too closely. Its what I had wanted while I fought silently with my wolf.

After a long time I simply gave up. I acknowledged that I couldn't change him and that he liked males. I simply acknowledged what he, and by proxy I, was. I acknowledged it but also knew I could never accept that part of us. I couldn't reconcile who we were deep down and who we needed to be. So I hid it away, forever pushing it deep down in the hopes it wouldn't be seen by anyone I was around.

Now... now it was impossible. My parent were searching for a mate for me. A female I would never be able to mate too. Females... the thought of being with one disgusted me deep down to my very core and my wolf curled his lip up at them, flashing his teeth in displeasure. Females were wrong to us and it was something I learned I couldn't change. I could hide it but I could not change it. I couldn't accept any female as a mate. I could follow traditions, could hate myself, but I didn't want to push my wolf on that. I didn't even think I could push myself to accept a female.

I had tried before. Tried hard to force myself to divulge in females like y brothers did but I never could. How could I? I wasn't built like that. I wasn't designed to like females, something deep and inherent in my brain made it impossible for me to want them. It was what made me so wrong, it was what made me hide it deep down. No one could ever know the truth and because of it the pack would go without an heir for a reason they would never know.

I let out a heavy sigh, running my hand through my hair. The burden of the secret was almost too much to ignore. It clamoured in my throat wanting me to tell someone, anyone, but I held back knowing I never could. There were only two people who ever knew. Malak and Lara. Malak endlessly tormented me for it and Lara silently watching me, her eyes warm with understanding as she guided me in my life. Left to my own devices while my parents took to Malak, I went to her.