Swimming in sadness and letting the guilt take over is something I do often. I lay in bed late at night, just hating myself and the things I've done. How can you not? When you aren't tired and think of everything you have done and just feel so bad for all these little things. Then all the big things come up and you feel overwhelmed and scared and sad. Alone sometimes. And you are. You are most definitely alone at that moment. No one can say other wise. Maybe you will go text that person or wake up your lover... but at the moment this feeling started, you were alone, and it'll always be that way.
Naturally I get confused and sit there crying for hours until I realize I should probably sleep, but then my body decides I'm not tired. So I lay there and just hope that sleep finds me and that I won't have nightmares.
And that's what I did for the last few years. Ever since my brother died nothing has been the same. Things are harder. Things aren't worth it now. When Kyle was around it made sense and felt like anything could happen and it'd be okay. He was my rock. Always there for me no matter what. Always.
Now he isn't. Now I suffer alone and unnoticed. Unwanted.
I'm not saying I wasn't depressed when Kyle was around, but it was easier to manage. I didn't cry myself to sleep every night. I didn't cut or self harm every day. I didn't want to die, every moment I'm awake. But now that he is gone, I am lost.
I hate waking up in the mornings when I do get the chance to sleep.
I hate going to school where I have no friends.
I hate living.
Is life really worth it? I don't think so. I don't think I ever thought life was worth living.
If you have a reason to keep living, that's great. I am jealous and envy you very much. Honestly. Please continue and try to help others find their reason to live. I'm sure some people have reasons... but not me. I know I have no point. That's why I have no friends. That's why I feel guilty for everything. That's why I hate myself so much.
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Snapping out of my thoughts I glanced at my alarm clock and saw that it was 5:37 am. Sighing I roll over and curl up willing the tears back. I've shed too many this night, I can't cry more.
It's not like my home life sucked, not like I was abused. I didn't really have a reason to hate life so much. But then again, do you really need a reason to feel sad? I don't think so. Maybe that's just me, but you can always be sad.
At 6:30 I roll out of bed and decide that I'm going lay on the bathroom floor and listen to music. It's cold and quiet and feels good against my cuts. Some times, when I am home alone, I run the shower as hot as it will get and just stand under the water and I won't allow myself to move from under the steaming water. Then I lay on the cold floor and my body feels shocked at the random changes in temperature and I tingle.
I know that sounds weird, but to each their own.
Curling up on the floor I hit play and Cut by Plumb starts playing and I sit there feeling number and number as the song goes on. I know I shouldn't listen to sad music, but I can't help it. I have a large variety of songs so it's not always sad music.
I laid there till about 8:30, when everyone started to wake up, then I got up and went back to my bedroom and lay in bed as if I had been sleeping.
This was usual for me, though my mother, sister, or brother are unaware. Which is fine with me. I'd rather suffer alone than get sent away again because of them.
Don't I seem like an ungrateful child? I am. I know.
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Okay so this is a true story. It's a personal story. It's my story. Please no hate. I don't care what you have to say. The main character is based on me and her feelings and emotions and thoughts on things are mine. Don't judge me. If you do, don't tell me because I don't care.
