Desire - The Joker fanfiction

Part 14

With shaky hands I was once again stood by his door. It has only been a few hours since he told me to get out and here I was outside the door once again. I couldn't believe that his leg healed so quickly but yet again he jumped and danced like any normal day, didn't even flinch.

My anxiety was getting the best of me and before I backed out I knocked on the door and let myself in.

"Didn't I tell you to leave me alone?" He asked in a calm voice.

"Yes but I just wanted to see if you were ok.." I said in a quieter voice, all confidence leaving me.

He looked up at me then. His eyes weren't happy, he didn't wear his famous smile, instead he looked mad, more mad than usual. He slowly stood up and took painfully slow steps towards me and my heartbeat increased with each step. I took steps back till I hit the wall and he came very close to me.

"You need to stop getting on my nerve girl." He whispered and I could feel his hot breath on my skin. "I said I'm busy!" He yelled in my face all of a sudden which made me flinch.

"I was just worried I thought-" my barely audible voice was interrupted when his hand slapped my cheek causing me to fall to the floor from the sudden impact.

I brought my hand up to my cheek and felt it heating up already. I looked up at him and saw him staring down at me with no expression on his face.

"I.." I just have to say it. "I.." I just need to admit my feelings out loud, I want him to know how I feel and maybe he will accept it if I just say it aloud. "But I love you." I attempted to say it louder but my voice cracked at the end.

Then his face changed, for a second he looked confused and then that was quickly replaced with laughter. Loud, maniac laughter. I stared at him, not taking my eyes off him. He continued laughing, just like he laughed when I told him I cared about him.

"I.. am not someone who is loved." He suddenly said and clapped his hands in front of my face making me flinch once again. I felt tears sting my eyes. "I am an idea! A state of mind. I execute my will according to my plan and you.. Jess.." he bent down closer to my face then. "Are not part of my plan." A single tear rolled down my cheek.

"Then why keep me here?!" I said louder.

"I thought you wanted to be here?" He asked cocking an eyebrow and I opened my mouth to bite back but realised he was right.

I looked at the ground thinking about everything.

"But.. why am I here? You won't let me leave, so why do you need me here?" I ask looking back up at him.

"Doll, I don't need YOU here. It's just handy having a hostage sometimes ya know?" He chuckled and went back to his desk. "Go. Away." He sternly said in a lower deeper voice.

I felt weaker after his words, I felt my heart ache. But I gathered all the strength I had and got up and went back to my room.

Why was I stupid enough to think that his cold, emotionless heart would somehow react to my feelings. He's the joker, he doesn't have feelings, and I knew that, I knew that a long time ago, why did I even bother. But it's ok, I'm used to suffering from feelings, I'm used to hurting, which is why that slap didn't affect me much, physical pain is nothing compared to the emotional pain caused by love. Of course he probably hasn't felt that for a long time. But then again someone had to hurt him so bad, for him to become so emotionless and cold. What happened in his past?

The thoughts were eating me alive. I was battling myself between getting up and fighting for him, or at least trying to, OR simply giving up and drowning in my own tears. I'm so used to just giving up, I'm used to suffering without fighting for things I love.