Desire - The Joker fanfiction

Part 5

I prepared myself for the worst, all kinds of different types of pain, I prepared to scream till my lungs exploded but.. None of that came..

All he did was walk over to me and raise his fist about to hit me and I closed my eyes preparing for it but nothing came, no pain, no contact, nothing. When I opened my eyes he was standing there looking at me with anger in his eyes, his invisible eyebrows furrowed together and he gritted his teeth.

"Fuck! No! No!" He yelled while pulling at his hair. He then walked over to the nearest table, throwing things off it, such as a lamp that smashed loudly, along with cups and then flipped over a table.

But I just stared at him. I didn't understand any of it. Was he so angry because I left? But then why didn't he take it out on me like he did before? He was about to hit me but he didn't and that is the one thing that left me confused. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful he didn't hurt me but I was beyond confused as to why he didn't hurt me.

He then looked at me one last time before abruptly leaving the room and telling one of his goons to take me to his room.

It was now the next morning and I was laying there staring at the ceiling, lost in my own thoughts again. At least it feels good to be warm again, although I'm still wearing the same dirty clothes and that certainly didn't feel good.

I felt the sudden urge to apologise to Joker, I must've made him so upset when I left, he was so angry and I swear I could see some hints of sadness in his eyes. Although he did hurt me physically before, he never hurt me emotionally and I feel like I did just that. And I believe emotional pain is way worse than physical pain. So I really hope he can come in this room soon so I can apologise or at least see that he is ok.

After a while I saw the door knob turn and I felt excitement bubble in me at the thought of the Joker coming in here. I couldn't quite tell why I would be excited to see him but I was, and I didn't control it, I just felt it. But my excitement was replaced with disappointment when one of his goons walked in instead with a tray with food.

"Boss thought you might be hungry, so I made you some food." He said in a deep voice but it was nothing compared to the Joker's.

I briefly thanked him and took the tray on my lap.

"Wait," I said as the goon was about to leave the room, making him turn around and look at me. "C-could I see Mr J anytime soon?" I asked full of hope.

"He's busy right now, maybe later." He replied and left the room, making me frown.

But it's ok, I'm sure he will come see me soon, he used to check on me every single day. So I just have to patiently sit here and wait.

I began eating the food that the goon brought me, I didn't even have time to realise how hungry I truly was. It was all delicious and I smiled at the thought of Joker caring about me enough to bring me food.

After I was done eating I simply sat there waiting for him to walk in any minute. But he never did.. Soon enough it got dark but I just kept my gaze at the door. I wanted to see him so badly now, I don't know where the sudden desire came from but I needed to see him.

Or maybe he doesn't want to see me. Maybe I hurt him so bad that he is mad at me. But then again he hurt me before and I still forgave him. Jessica he hurt you physically! You hurt him emotionally! Yes but we still hurt each other, I just need to apologise but how can I do that when he wont let me leave the room and won't come in here himself.

I decided to try and sleep, he will probably come tomorrow. Although that didn't work out well because I could barely sleep so I was exhausted the next day.

I waited and waited and waited but he didn't come. Again. I felt the guilt eat me alive, I haven't known the Joker for that long but he has never not seen me for two days straight. I felt tears prick my eyes but I wasn't going to let them fall, I'm not that weak, or at least I hope not.

Once again the darkness fell taking over the room but this time I couldn't get a second of sleep. I was so frustrated with this situation, with myself. I should be happy he's left me alone, I should feel safe but I don't, I want him near me, I want to feel his presence, his scent, see his smile.

I was up all night thinking about how I got into this mess and finally on the third day, the door opened and he walked in. He had no expression on his face. I was quite surprised to see him, I thought he'd never come in here. So I just kept our gaze locked, I didn't know what to feel and I didn't want to feel what I did. I didn't want to admit how his presence made me feel.

"How are you feeling?" He asked, face still blank.

Did he just ask me that? Seriously ? My eyebrows furrowed together and I pushed the covers off me, the anger filling me making me feel more confident. Using the confidence I suddenly had, I walked over to the Joker but not too close and felt my breathing get heavier.

"Really? How am I feeling? You left me in this room for two days without showing up, you didn't even bother to come in here for a second! My guilt was eating me alive and all I wanted was to see you, hold-" I yelled everything feeling so frustrated but quickly stopping myself realising I may be saying too much even for myself to handle. By now the Joker himself was frowning.

"What did you want to do?" He urged me to continue where I left off but I just shook my head, feeling the tears coming back to fill my eyes. I looked down, knowing if I looked at the clown for any longer I'd break. He took a few steps forward and lifted up my chin with his index finger, making me look at him. "Say it." He almost whispered.

By now I felt a few tears escape, mentally slapping myself for showing weakness. His eyes pierced into mine, feeling his finger hold my chin, I can't deny this for much longer.

"I wanted to hold you ok?! I missed you.." I started off loudly, whispering the last part.

Then he did the unexpected. He brought up his thumb and wiped my falling tears off my cheeks. Every time his skin touched mine I felt my stomach turn, I felt a bit weaker every time.

He put his whole hand on my cheek and rested it there and for a few minutes we just stayed like that, staring into each other's eyes. Almost like trying to read each other's minds.

I admired his features, his blue tired eyes looking into mine, his tattoos. Especially the damaged tattoo on his forehead, it made me feel almost sorry for him. He was indeed damaged, and that could explain most of his actions but no one understood him, but I felt like I did. And that just pulled me in more and more, it made me want to learn more and more about the clown.

Just as quickly as this started, it ended. His hand dropped from my cheek, his gaze shifted elsewhere and he left the room without turning back. Left me standing there with more tears pouring down my cheeks.