Silence

Chapter 2 - Ignore

I'm not technically a mute. I guess I am to people who don't know me like teachers and other students. When I'm around them I just don't have the power to speak. To Lauren I'm just quiet.

If I'm in a really good mood or I'm happy for a little while I'll talk to her. It's not as much as Lauren talks but I'll say a sentence or two.

I have to talk to my mom sometimes, but it will only be a mumble. I feel uncomfortable talking to her just like I feel around everyone else, but with my mom it's different. I have to force the words out when she asks me a question, unlike if I'm talking to Lauren.

I still only say a few words to Lauren, but at least they just flow out of my mouth.

Lauren doesn't really mind and my mom has never said anything about it. She acts like I'm a normal teenager, but she only talks to me when its simple everyday comments.

I don't understand why I don't talk, it's not that I'm scared or nervous, and I️ don't get anxiety being around people. I just don't want to. I wish I did want to because it would make my life a lot easier. Maybe I'm just shy. I'm not sure but all I️ know is that it just feels impossible for me to talk or engage in any form of conversation with anyone.

I forget about talking just like someone might forget their car keys or forget their pencil for their next class. My voice stays trapped as a thought and forgets to escape my lips. And it's not something that I️ realize day to day. It can be weeks that go by and I'll finally realize wow I️ haven't said a single word in a long time. It's a wonder that I️ haven't gone crazy. Maybe I️ am crazy.

At school the teachers never call on me. They either realized I wouldn't talk to them and then left me alone or they heard rumors about me from other teachers and students and just ignored me from the start. Funny how things like that can happen.

I pay attention in class. I make sure that I don't make straight A's so I won't have to speak at any types of award ceremony's, but my grades are pretty good. The teachers don't bother me if I pass all of my classes.

The students on the other hand like to make fun of me but I really have no care in what they say. I've heard it all from "I don't know how to talk" to "my mother cut out my tongue when I was little for disobeying her." Believe me, I know how to talk and I do have a tongue. But if gossiping about me makes them feel better about their sick little lives then by all means let them do it to their hearts content.

I won't tell them anything because that's what they want. They want to see me crack. But the thing that they don't know is that I've tried to crack myself. There are days where I️ sit in front of a mirror forcing myself to say hi to myself but it's usually a whisper. It doesn't work and I️ get angry with myself. What is wrong with me. I've never heard of anyone like me. My voice doesn't want to be recognized by my mind.