To Good To Be True|Jigyu|

Lose

"People in blind love throw away common sense, conscience and comedy from their life"
-Amit Kalantri

Writing letters never was anything Mingyu was good at or enjoyed. He rather texted or just met up the person he wanted to talk to. This time he wouldn't be able to do that. He wasn't able to say those words out loud, face to face to the other. Texting would be way to quick and they could stop him if he did that. So he decided on the old letter method.

As he was sitting in front of the yet blank papers he already had everything planned out in his mind. He just didn't know what to write. He wanted to say so much but at the same time he couldn't put those thoughts into words.

His room wasn't empty anymore the once so cold walls now were coloured in a soft blue making him feel a little at ease. He did put his pinboard up right in Front of his little table and the whole room was decorated after his like. He was sitting right in front of the pinboard looking through all those great memories he had.

In moments like this he wasn't so sure if he should do this. If he should just stay here and try to enjoy life again. Before he never even was close to even think about ending his life. He was a life loving person. Always positive, hard working, trying to make the best out of everything. But he already knew he couldn't go back to his old self, he tried so every single day since he met Jihoon. It just wasn't the same anymore and he grew tired of it. There were thoughts like you could just get a new job. Date someone who is real, but the more he thought about it he saw no reason to even try it. Jihoon was real, if he lived in his dreams or in this world. He didn't saw the difference anymore. He was real and when he was with him he was happy and thats all he needed for an argument. That already decided everything.

Since he had no job, he had all the time he needed to write those letters. He just had to leave before Minghao comes home. He took the pen into his hand and started to write, he throw like hundreds of pages away because they just weren't good enough. It took him some hours till he actually wrote the two letters filled with the little rest of thoughts he had about living. He rested his eyes on them for a bit reading through it a few more times. It felt wrong doing this. He imagined Minghaos reaction while reading the letter. He imagined his sister, his mother and his dad. It made it hard, so hard, but he couldn't keep being a burden to everyone. And there was no other way for him to become happy. Not anymore.

He tried to be selfish, he wouldn't see those reactions anyway. He didn't have to care so much. Still the guilt stayed in his stomach as he got up to get his next train to busan. The only things he took with him was the rest of his money, Minghao's pills and a picture of Jihoon. Not the lifeless on of the article. He found those pics online. As a famous songwriter there were a lot of pictures from him more than Mingyu expected. Probably even more since the genius died.

He discovered some of his music. Most of them were just written by him and sung by other artists. After browsing for longer he found a YouTube channel named "Hoshi" were Jihoon was filmed singing his songs or just randomly talking. It wasn't the main videos of the Chanel tho. Mostly were from a hyper guy mostly practice videos or talking alone or with two of his friends. It was pretty funny watching him no matter what he did. Still the videos he enjoyed the most were the hidden cameras on "woozi" that's how they called Jihoon. It felt pretty off the first time he heard them call him like that. Now it just became a commen nickname for him.

He really loved listening to his songs even when he wasnt always the one singing it. That was the only time his trained on fake smile turned into a real one. But right after the songs ended he would have to face the real world again, without the beautiful voice, he loved so much.

He sat down into the train, still listening to Jihoon soft voice till he fell asleep. This day was one of the happiest days he had since ages. In this one last dream he finally managed to tell Jihoon what he's going to do. The other didn't look  happy at all, but he didn't expected him to be anyway. He brought his finished letters to the post.