lover is a day

freshman year

my nana presses her manicured fingers down hard
she folds, tapes, repeats
there is sweet, christmas music playing
and she hums to herself
knowing this is what's she is best at
wrapping gifts, like braiding hair
like making something pretty
making something beautiful
i smile as her hands move
count the veins, she whispers, do something

i once fell in love with a girl
just from looking at the back of her neck
and listening to her laugh
i wish i could tell my nana about this now
how the world is full of repetitive inconsistencies
cases of falling short
how my whole body glowed
from her saying my name
how i never said hers
how i never said she was kind or pretty to her face
how i've never said anything to anyone
at all
did you hear me child, my nana asks, do something

and i begin to count
her name was ellie
she does not remember me
but i sure remember her