lover is a day

the last good day

therapist feeds him first
extracts the whites from my eyes and ladles them into wine glasses for him to sip
he says he doesn't smoke but ashes line the rim of the cup when he's done

as if on command he thanks her and looks upon me with thick fog dripping from his mouth
he nestles gray into my hair and tells me i'm his love
tells me i am the light that showers the scars on his arms

i think this is going well, i tell my therapist
because look at him, he's glowing
and i too am under his light

i see he has hooded eyes like mine
and i notice that his fingernails are well trimmed
and i notice that he makes my therapist smile too, with his declarations of love and promises

these pry their way through his puffy lips and dance across the room
carried by the table fan and my own desire

his words stain my fingers like august blackberries
and somehow i catch myself sucking my thumb when i say goodbye to him

i want steady love that climbs it's way up my shins and leaves me rooted in the simplicity of us

i wanna to tell him what's on my mind but can't get too excited (must remember what cloud cluster i came from)

and i don't want to pretend like he waters my plants when i ask him to so i just write diary entries praising the way he smiles and tell my mom it's going to be fine
she has watched me build myself a home within her stomach
she has watched me father myself
so
so
so
it's really not that complicated
he's trying today and that a nice thing

-

i literally wrote an essay of an update of everything that i'm feeling atm but then was like no one cares that much sis which tru!lol!

i'm having such a big depression period right now like i can physically feel myself falling all of the time. i've never wanted to not write more but i made prior commitments to some mags and i'm just sorting through my shit. this is an old poem that i wrote before i decided i don't want to write too much about my d*d in here (yikes). august is such a month of everything! falling! apart!!! I feel so discombobulated and like i know mercury is in retrograde but i retrogrades have always been so "new opportunities!!changing shit up! good vibes!" For me but like I just feel like my heart is rotting. I'm so tired. i'm still not happy and it feels ridiculous at this point. i'm going into my junior year of high school!!! like bro !! for what??