The Shitty Author's Spam Book

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I hate my family so much I swear

they bully me all the time and when I try to tell then that it bothers me they just say they're "only teasing" or whatever the fuck they try to cover it up with.

I mean like it's horrible cuz I don't have anyone to go to without an electronic device and my mum is always threatening to just take everything I own but literally no one I live with stands up for me and when I try to stand up for myself they just say I'm disrespectful and that I need punishment or whatever

my mum is always bothering me and she likes to touch me even though she knows I hate being touched bc of when I was touched inappropriately as a child and it brings back flashbacks of everything and it just makes me feel so dirty and gross and I really wanna die when I think about those years but she still touches me even though she knows what happened and she knows how I feel about it but no she still tries to grab my ass and say she's the one that made it but I mean that's no excuse to make your kid feel uncomfortable.

and my younger sister sees my mum do what she does and she tries to touch me like that too so I have to deal with two people doing that and she also sees my mum yell at me for everything so she's always yelling at me to wash the dishes and to make her food and they don't even try to approach things with peace like I do they just straight up yell at me at the first try and it's horrible and my older sister just sits back and watches everything and tries to say I'm disrespectful to my mother when I try to defend myself but I mean she got pregnant at 16 and ran away and hit my mum when she was 15 over a boy my mum didn't approve of and then came back crying to my mum a year later and my mum accepted her with open arms and yet when I came back from the hospital she said she was disappointed with me and didn't really talk to me for a few months but I mean my sister chose to do all those things and I didn't choose to hear all those voices and to be sad all the time and yet she didn't accept me the way she accepted her so that was pretty unfair.

and my nephew is too young to understand anything he's only a year old.

I think the reason my mum is like this with me is because I was the only one of her three kids that she planned to have and yet when I was born I just disappointed her with everything I did. like when I was a kid I never liked dresses and pink and I always liked shorts and black and blue and I hated wearing my hair in a hairdo until she finally gave up with me and shaved everything off so I wouldn't pull at my hair anymore and I was always this little antisocial kid that didn't have any friends and read too much and I read Harry Potter and she thought those books were based off satan or something and yet my sisters were pretty and wore what my mum gave them and had lots of friends and liked pink. i just disappointed her a lot throughout my childhood until I stopped being myself and just let her do what she wanted to make of me by forcing me to go to church and wear dresses but then I discovered this wonderful thing called music that helped me realize it was okay to be seen as weird and that there were other people like me out there and that I wouldn't disappoint everyone I met. so that's when I stopped doing what I hate and started going back to art and reading and singing and pants and dark colors and I finally told my mum about the voices and she thought I was insane or something and took me to a place for therapy and they decided to send me to a hospital and I just disappointed her further. so that's when I wondered if all those bands lied about me being nice even if I was weird but I've decided I'm better than that.

so now that I think I'm actually worth something and I try to defend myself I'm just a rebellious kid that disappointed everyone.

and sometimes I think that if my dad hadn't left I would be slightly happier.
because he was the only one that told me it was okay to think other little girls were pretty and that it was okay to hate dresses and to read a little too much because he was weird too.

and now that he's not coming back my mum is trying to force me to be christian and to be her idea of normal.

and all of this makes me want to die everyday