High Country Christmas

Chapter Fourteen- Winery Concert

The tears I was fighting weren't going to stay in if I spoke, so I resorted to just nodding if Ali asked me a question.

Then very strong, almost angry he looked away from me and spat out, "Don't."

I was surprised as he stood not far from me, and when I glanced up he wasn't even looking down at me, where I leant against the tree. "Don't?"

"You know what I mean." He pushed his hands deep in his pockets and his jaw worked. "You and me. It is something. Are you going to make me say it?" he appeared to be almost exasperated.

I looked at him blankly, then a puzzled frown worked its way across my face. How could he expect me to know where he was going with this? Clearly there was someone, somewhere, that had a claim on him. She had shared his life, to produce that beautiful little girl, and I was here, no assets to speak of, sharing his family by default and no real future with the only qualifications I had.

He seemed to soften and looked down at me. Oh yeah, there it goes again. That flip of my stomach, as I become aware of him and the attraction I felt for him. Looking away, I started pulling at the grass absentmindedly, and watched the pile grow.

I felt Ali move beside me. He had sat down on the grass, leaning against the tree, and kicked his legs out in front of him.

"It was about three years ago. I had just finished my first round of visits to eco centres around the country. There is one in Wellington, Auckland, Motutapu Island up North, finally I had six months at The Dunedin Eco sanctuary, down above the Port. It was stunning. The local owner had raised funds to rat proof an area, and slowly begin to provide sanctuary for local bird populations, and those that are introduced to this safe environment. The local kiwi expert had not long arrived from up north, and after a few social drinks, and staff get togethers. We started being a bit more than that. Her name was Erina, Greek ethnicity I think, and no family to speak of, so we had a connection of sorts."

I was unsure why I was getting this story, and it seemed to be heading somewhere so I decided to keep quiet. I glanced over at him and his head leant back against the massive trunk of the tree and his eyes had shut. I got the definite feeling that this wasn't easy for him, so by shutting out the world the story could flow without distraction.

He sighed, "I don't know why really, " then a humourless laugh, "At first it was just for fun, then it became a bit of a habit. When I look back on it now, it was probably based on as little as the fact that we were about the same age and stage in life. The world was fresh and new to us. She introduced me to some low level drug use, but I had never been keen, so usually had to try and stop myself from being controlling and telling her flatly not to use any herself. I am not proud of it. A relationship should be based on more. We went our separate ways in the end. I have just found out that her drug use became rather more than recreational, and Thea was caught up in it." His voice broke a little.

I instinctively reached over and placed my hand on the back of his. He wasted no time in turning his hand over to capture mine. His thumb started tracing patterns on the back of my hand, and I tried to stop the physical reaction I was having and concentrate on the words he was saying.

"I love Thea. Weird I know. I have only known her in total for about a month. But during that time, I have climbed some pretty big personal mountains, and feel already that I am better for having known her. I try not to think about what life was like for her before the courts contacted me. Erina has been in rehab twice, and willingly has signed full custody of Thea, uncontested, over to me. This is my life." Bending the knee furthest from me and leaning on it, he swung to look at me.

He looked into my eyes, still stroking my hand. I didn't know why he felt like sharing all that with me, there was like a glimmer of hope that maybe it did mean something, but I couldn't let myself hope. That would be too much. Hope had been extinguished with the marriage I had. Somewhere in me still wondered if I was the cause. Pushing those thoughts aside I smiled at him, genuinely pleased for him that things were smoothing over and his little girl had met her grandparents.