own it ; c.g

personal update

i don't really know if any of you would have been interested in this. but, i thought you all deserved an explanation on why i completely vanished for 3 months.

there was this boy. he's never going to read this, so i guess it's okay to say it all. we were friends for awhile, but eventually we started talking a little deeper. he told me deep, deep things about him. and in return, i told him almost every thing about me. a month and a half of talking to someone who made me very, very, extremely happy and euphoric goes by, and he told me he loved me. i refused to believe it for weeks. he told me constantly how much he loved me and how much he adored me for the person i was. i eventually admitted to being inlove with him too. we were good, really good. he treated me so nicely man. at least i thought so. we were good, like i said. but a few more weeks went by. probably a month, actually. we started fighting, everyday. it was the same shit but a different occasion. normally i would start yelling or fighting tbh. but it was his actions, i see that now. he ended up admitting that he didn't love me , and how worthless i was to him. i left him, or at least i tried to. he apologized to me later that night, and he begged me to stay. me being a dumb bitch, i did. that was our first falling out. and after two or three weeks, we fought again. i was about the same things we always fought about. but i wont get into that. he blamed it on me, how it was my fault. i would agree, and i would try to leave him. three days go by after we'd fight. not two, not four. but three days. it was always three days. he told me how badly he needed to be with me, and how much he loved me. i went back to him every damn time we did this. he'd blame shit on me, i'd leave and then take him right back. every time he blamed something on me, though? it cut deeper, because inside i felt it was. i loved that boy, with all my heart and soul. i would have done anything for him. feelings started getting deeper and eventually i couldn't go an hour without speaking to him. he found it annoying and clingy. he would blame almost everything in his life on me, and i kept taking the blows because i loved him. one time, though. we fought a little too hard. he found someone else in those three days. its quite poetic, actually. within those three days i knew he'd come back and i constantly apologize, over and over. and he'd be the one to say it was okay, even though he fucked up, i always felt remorse. within those three days he found someone else and my heart dropped. i loved that damn boy, so so much and i felt like i couldn't function not being the one he loved. "we just don't fit" is what he told me that day. he said we fought too often and it was getting to my head.

now, almost 2 months later, i look back and see how much emotional abuse i went through. he was so bipolar with me, and his ego was too damn big to take any blame, so he forced everything in his life on me.

i did and always will feel for him. there's always the smallest bit of love for him that i'll always, always have. he's a good person, and i really hope he's getting treated right. i dont want to be with him, and i don't feel romantically for him anymore, but ill always love him.

that's all, i was going through some rough stuff. with all that, on top of school and everything, it was tough to handle. ill try to be more active.

i love you all so much and i appreciate every single person who takes the time to read my imagination. thank you so much.

all the love,

effy.