HTYLBF » jaeseong

VI

VI. you want to touch them all the time

Our arms are nearly touching as we lay on my bed. We're not saying much, just yawning and absorbing each other's presence. I'm far too preoccupied with trying to ignore how badly I want to hold his hand and have him lay his head on my shoulder.

I just want to hug him without feeling like a thief. Stealing all these moments so that later I can twist them into what I want them to become. I wonder if it's normal to be so attached to someone. I wonder what his lips feel like.

"What are you thinking about?" He asks softly.

"N-Nothing," I stutter, the juxtaposition of my thoughts and reality shaking my words.

"You? Thinking about nothing?" He teases. I smile a little bit; the lilt of his voice is impossible to ignore. "I'm thinking about the future."

"Nothing good comes of that," I say quietly.

"Why do you say things like that? Aish... You scare me, y'know?" He laughs.

"I don't mean to," I mumble. "It's just that... Isn't the thought of not knowing something terrifying?"

"No," he says, casting his gaze over, perhaps trying to read my eyes. "You can't know everything. Knowing everything is like... It's like you're not living. Because life is unpredictable, and all that stuff."

"That doesn't freak you out?" I still don't believe him; what part of giving up safety to something that can destroy it is easy for him?

"Are you okay?" He asks, and I glance at him out of surprise. His eyes are so earnest that my breath catches.

"Why do you ask?"

"Because when you're quiet, it looks like you don't want to be. And if this is what you think about, I don't want you to think at all. I want you to be happy." He pouts, and I swear that every atom in my body jumps; my fingertips tingle in their urgency. I want to brush his hair aside; I want to kiss his forehead. God, I just want to kiss him so badly. Instead, I look away. Because looking at the wall instead of honest emotion makes my next words so much easier to say.

"You don't have to worry about me."

I feel him draw back a little; I know I've messed up, but I messed up the second I fell in love with him. There's not much more I can do to make things worse.

But because I'm a suck-up, I allow myself to give him a small smile and an "I promise".

He just smiles in return, but it looks sad. I wish I could hug him until we were both sure he didn't have to worry about me.

After he leaves my house, my fingers create something solid out of nothing; imagining with a mind of their own what his skin feels like.

I can't believe how torn up my insides are.

I can't believe that I crave his touch more than my lungs crave oxygen. If we were in a place where casual touches were permittable, would their intensity ever decrease? Or would I just feel this gnashing ache in my stomach? Would I always be starving for something that I can't have?

I don't know if I can keep feeling emotions like this; it's almost as if I'm receiving them through a bullhorn. They're magnified and amplified to ten times their weight; when they're in reaction to him, I feel them so strongly that it leaves me breathless. I think my heart is too swollen for my chest; why else would my emotions be so big?

How do I have room for them all?