HTYLBF » jaeseong

IV

IV. You think about them constantly

The only thing I truly excel at is wasting time, and what wastes time more effectively than daydreaming about Inseong? The seconds turn to liquid, slipping through my fingers quicker than I can comprehend. But I've always been slow, and the realization that I've been left behind lazily swims to the forefront of my mind.

I wonder if he's aware of how much space he takes up in my mind. It's not likely.

I wonder if he thinks about me nearly as much as I think about him.

That is also not likely.

I feel like a sigh is constantly building in my chest, waiting to be released. Maybe it would make me feel better.

But I internalize it, just like everything else.

It's the weekend, and normally we'd be hanging out, but he and his family are visiting relatives, which leaves me stuck in our boring hometown. The dream of having dreams is a foreign concept among the dusty minds of my neighbors. I can't imagine anyone from here making it big.

Except for Inseong, of course. He can sing, like really well. And he thinks it's nothing, but his voice is so soothing. I used to make him sing for me all the time, when we were middle school kids. I smile.

    Back then, hugs weren't frowned upon, and we were always touching. We used to hold hands in the hallways because we were both so small that the rush of kids would separate us. It was a game to us. Everything was.

    Then we hit high school and I became lucky if skinship lasted for more than a second. I think there was always an underlying thought of "They'll see" in the back of Inseong's mind. But who? Whose judgement was he so afraid of that he denied the touch of his best friend? That first year of high school was fearful for me; I wasn't sure if our friendship would last. He was so distant, and I felt it, like a rope tugging and tightening around my heart.

    I didn't realize that it wasn't just a rope. It was love - it was a noose.

    Everyday, it pulls tighter around my heart, like a boa constrictor's coils around its prey. Aren't all of our hearts prey? Just waiting to be ensnared by the jaws of a monster we call love?

    There's two sides to love: the side experienced by two people in love and the side experienced by fools. I'm a fool. I'm a fool because you can't choose who you fall in love with, and I went and fell in love with the one person you're not supposed to: your best friend.

    But I can't help it; my atoms were made to drift towards his. I don't believe in soulmates, but I do believe in a person being made to admire another. I was made to admire Inseong, and admiring him is something I do without even thinking about it.

    I love everything about him; if all the world is a galaxy and the people are its stars, he is the brightest one. I love his thousands of different smiles, I love the curve of his lips. I love his concentrating face and I love his habit of biting the inside of his cheek when he reads. I love how his hair falls across his forehead, and I love the tones of his voice. I love his soft hands and how his rare touch feels against my skin. I love him, and I hate myself.

    I hate myself because I need a telescope to gaze upon his beauty; we are as different and far apart as two people tied together can be. It would take a million light years for our stars to find each other.

    I hate myself because I'm willing to wait.