Nobody knows how many times I've cried. How many times I've sat in my room and lost hope. How many times I felt like running away. How many tears I've cried in the last three hours. And to be completely honest I don't think anybody cares. Every time I try to talk I always get interrupted. Every time I try to tell somebody that I'm not "fine" someone cuts me off. Nobody knows the real me. The me I can't sleep because my thoughts are just too much, and my mind just won't turn off. Sorry if this got to be too much for you, let me start over.
Hi! My name is Caroline Gabriela Harper. I am currently in the 8th grade. And I feel as if my body has lost control and my mind has taken over. I feel broken. Lost. Disconnected from everyone and everything that once brought me joy.
I am hurt. That my daddy chose drugs over his daughter. I'm sad that my mother let him walk out of my life.
My depression has gotten worse over the years. It started in 6th grade. I was a happy girl... I loved to read, write, draw... then I met this girl. We became best friends. We were always together laughing, talking. Then one day in the middle of 7th grade she told me she had cut herself ...... my jaw dropped to the floor... I had never heard of this "cutting" so that evening when I got home I googled it... cutting - the act of one slicing ones skin and watching blood slowly drip out of their cut. I went to images and I could see that the cuts weren't just done on their arms, but on their legs, and their stomachs, and their hands.. I couldn't believe it.... I thought everyone way happy. I felt so selfish for not seeing it before, I was glad she told me but if she hadn't I probably wouldn't have understood....
Later in that same year towards the end of 7th grade she tried to kill herself, but she told know one but me.... I felt responsible for what happened next....
In the summer time I was informed that she overdosed... with her first attempt she failed because I stopped her, she was trying to shoot herself, but she couldn't find any bullets.
I felt responsible because I knew she was suicidal but I didn't tell any one.
I am so freaking depressed now that she is gone... at her funeral her mom gave me her suicide note.... she mentioned me a few times, and she apologizes too... but she didn't do anything wrong, it's not her fault she wasn't happy with her life. Or that her parents didn't care about her. Or that her brother shot him self in the head when he was around her age.... she never told anyone this but me.... I was her best friend... I was her only friend, I was the only one who would listen to her without reverting the conversation back to me....
