almost || h.s

October 6 1963

Page 7

September 31st. The day I felt my world crashing down around me. I wanted to make you breakfast and be a great man for you. But I ruined it. I nearly died and I hate myself for that. I hate myself because you had to witness it.

I bet you were in your peaceful sleep, dreaming of god knows what. And I just had to have cancer. I just had to ruin a perfect day. And a perfect life. I didn't mean to pass out like that, I just felt dizzy and then darkness came.

This will be my last page to you. I know that it's coming. The end, that is. I really don't want it to, but that's life. That's what my mom would tell me when I would ask where my dad before bed time.

Every one comes into this world. Some living it to the fullest, others not able to express it. Then there are tragic cases, death. People die, that's a known fact. But some die too fast, not able to live like others. That's what happend to my family. Its in my blood, death before life.

I hate knowing that actually. I hate knowing that every minute I feel myself getting weaker and my body slowly shutting down. I hate the feeling of the end coming soon.

Before you, I was fine with death. It actually brought me peace. But then you came along and all I saw when I closed my eyes at night was you and the future. I had it all planned out, the first night I spent with you.

It's crazy to think that now. That gut feeling telling me that I couldn't let you go and short days later, foreign words plummeting out of my mouth like it was a normal way of speaking.

I love you.

I'd never actually picture myself saying that before you. It was all just a myth to me. You made it a reality. I just wish I could spend the rest of our reality together, forever and always.

But I think it's time to go into my final words to you. I apologize in advance if you can't read it all, my hands have been continuously shaking lately.

First of all, I love you. Second of all, I'm dearly sorry.

You are the like a new, shiny penny dropped swiftly onto a deserted sidewalk. You have nowhere to go, and no one is to be seen. But then there is that curious man who decided to pick you up and take you home. He finds love in that shiny penny. He finds shelter and kindness and all of the above. That's what you are to me, a penny. It sounds ridiculous, I know. But that's the best I could come up with when it's one o'clock in the morning.

I'm sorry this had to happen. I should've pushed you away. I could've kept walking. But I can't resist you Elizabeth. You are everything to me, everything I want to be. I want to grow old with you and watch our grandchildren get married and have more kids. I just want everything to last. I want a lot of things. But I guess not all of them could come true.

I love you, Elizabeth Cooper. You will forever be the reason why I continued to breathe at night. The reason I didn't hate life anymore. You are my breakthrough, miraculous and heart-warming.

Stay safe on your trip back to London. Tell your parents how you feel. Find a guy and get lost in his eyes like I did for you. Get married and grow old, like I had dreamt of about you and with you. Just move on. This is your closure. I'm dead. It hurts, I hope. But shake it off. Think of it as a memory, a great one at that. Something that you will forever hold onto but never dwell on. I love you forever, Elizabeth. Don't get too lost without me.

-Harry Styles

...

My clothes lay a mess in the duffel bag. The bracelet that held all of the charms made rattling noises as I tried my best to zip up the duffel bag. The journal was held close in between my nimble fingers as I took a deep breath, taking in my surroundings for the last time.

I walked towards the counter, feeling his broad arms around my waist and his head in the crook of my neck as I put on a kettle. I looked towards the kitchen floor, where I saw a lifeless Harry and myself sprawled on top of him, covered in tears. I walked towards the living room, watching us waltz around like we were at some dance club.

My feet carried me to the bedroom, glancing towards the bed where we made love and laid tangled together every night. A pain hit my chest as I remembered him unconscious, lying next to me. And then a smile crept onto my face as I saw him smirking at me, begging me to cuddle with him.

I went to the bedside table, grabbing the journal he gave me and the map. Towards the end of the journal I found a map. It led to two places. One was back to my manor, hearing Harry chuckle as he drew it out for me. And the other was where his grave were to be laid. I held them both firmly in between my hands, as a few tears escaped my eyes and I grabbed my duffel bag.

I went to the door, swiftly turning around. I took a look at his flat, remembering my first impression and a smiling Harry guiding me to where I would soon spend most of my time in.

I sighed, picking up my duffel bag and twisting the nob and opening the plain door. The same hallway laid out in front of me, bringing back the beautiful memory of how Harry fell in love with me.

I took one last glance at his flat, feeling my vision become blurry from the threatening tears.

"I love you Harold." I whispered, closing the door without making a sound. I felt my cheeks become wet as I found the alleyway entrance, remembering how odd I thought he really was when I found him on the streets.

The cold wind rushed around me as I held closely to my coat and the journal. I quickly found the street, seeing the all too familiar bench occupied by a young woman holding a tightly wrapped baby in her arms.

I shuffled across the street, seeing the bus sign attached to the bench that started it all. I smiled at the young lady, taking the seat next to her.

"Hello." She smiled before looking back down to her young baby.

"Hi, I'm Elizabeth." I smiled, offering my hand for her to take, as a friendly shake. She gladly complied, returning the gesture.

"I'm Taylor and this is Elizabeth, too." She smiled, gesturing towards the small baby.

"What a lovely name, especially the little girl." We shared a small laugh as we heard the creaking of the brakes from the bus. The door opened as I let Taylor step on in front of me. I hesitantly followed, glancing once at the bench before stepping on and taking the seat across from Taylor's.

My duffel bag occupied the seat next to me and the journal laid open in my hands, turned to the first page. I re-read it, glancing at the bench and reliving the most life changing moment in my life. I smiled, watching as the bench faded off into the distance, letting a tear cascade down my cheek.

"I'll miss you Harry." I whispered, closing my eyes and placing my head on the cold window.

"Almost, Harry. Almost."