almost || h.s

October 5 1963

[i decided there will be two-three chapters left of this book]

I knew that I wasn't leaving until I had my final closure. And that was finishing this journal of his. I don't know exactly just how much I could take of this. Every night I would fall asleep and his words would be attached to my eyelids, causing me to relive the moments we shared. It was all too much for me right now but it needs to happen and I can't keep putting it off. The end is the end, I guess.

Page 5

I think it's your charm that gets me. The thrill of seeing you tend to my every need despite the closing time. The way you eyes light up when I speak to you and you fumble with words as our eyes connect. It's everything about you that makes me tingle in delight.

And the funny thing is that you probably won't be able to read this. I'm getting worse as the hours pass by. I'm scared. I hate to admit that I am, but it's true. Finding out you have cancer isn't the most pleasant realization. It's more of an eye opener, something you wish wasn't real but it sadly is.

It's hard knowing that I can't even get out of bed without you volunteering to help me up. I know I don't look well and it hurts seeing you weary like that. When you bathed me today, I think you realized something was up. My skin was almost transparent and my breathing was very heavy.

I want to wake up and tell you that I have cancer and I don't have a lot time left. But I cant. I can't even bear seeing your face at the sound of my unpleasant news. I know I'm a coward for this but it hurts me too. I can never imagine seeing you ill and on your death bed. I think I'd go mad actually. That's what you do to me. You have me so whipped, so in love. And I would never trade it for anything.

So I bet you are expecting a charm and that's what you will get. Its of an umbrella. I know you are probably thinking that I'm some weirdo for buying a small umbrella charm but it has meaning. It signifies us really. You are my umbrella from all of the bad news in my life. You shade the future and just live for the present. When I met you, my mind was completely erased of the previous events. I had totally forgotten about my cancer case. You protected me, almost.

-Harry Styles

Almost. It's funny how accurate a single word could define a whole lifetime. His whole world was filled with almost this and almost that. And my short months with him was projected against the sky with a big, fat almost.

It's funny how everything could change in a blink of an eye. One second he's here lying next to me, barely holding on but still fighting. And the other he's lying somewhere in the unknown, 6 feet under against his will.

I miss him. I say it too much in one day. I really do. But love inhabits every bone in your body and captivates the fibers that remain undefined. It's everything you live for really. I just hope he died happy and in love, that was my only wish.

Page 6

Today was our one month anniversary. It's crazy how people track how many days they are together. For me and you, it feels like eternity. Like you were with me through every bump in the road and helped me swerve around them. You were my steady rock that was with me through it all. But in truth it would have never helped. I feel you got me through the hardest part of my life, my diagnosis of cancer.

I was a mess after that. The long walk I had, made me rethink the option of jumping off numerous passing bridges. I wanted to end it all, it was pointless to live when nobody was there for me. And then that little blonde came running after me turning my world upside down, in the best way possible.

You are honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me. That is not even an exaggeration. And no I'm not lying either. I know that time will tell how long we will last and I know we would last forever if not for the Devil inside of me, cancer.

I pray everyday that maybe the whole doctor's visit was an illusion, something made up in my mind. But you wouldn't be reading this if it was. Sometimes reality feels too real that you question it. I hate reality.

Well I should be ending this now. I want to let you know that this is possibly the best month that has ever occurred in my short lifetime. They say only the good die young. I just hope I was good to you. I love you so very much, darling. The charm for this page is two linked hands. It represents us and how no matter what we won't be separated, despite our location remains in two different worlds. Remember that I love you, always have and always will.

-Harry Styles