Believe me when I say I'm not my gender

Chapter nine - The almost date and the girl who loved me

My hair was in all different directions I forgot to wash out last nights gel. I had finally got the girl I loved wrapped around my finger. but she only knew Maddy. So maybe if I pretended we were cousins I could get her to admit she liked me. My plan was fool proof. She looked so beautiful last night I couldn't help it. Following her to the diner was a mistake I shouldn't have made. I just wanted to get to know her more. I tossed my dirty clothes into a bin. To pull off being Female, I had to think female which wasn't too hard I mean I'm biologically one. I threw on a skirt and washed my hair it was always so perfectly straight I pulled it back into a loose pony tail. I spun around almost sastified with my reflection. A ruffled top went great with what i was wearing. It was spring so it was just warm enough. I pulled on a pair of flats. Either way I could pull this off. Today I was Maddy tomorrow I would be the real me. I walked down the stairs my mother was screaming. " Oh my god ! Finally . Honey get in here......look your daughter finally got over her phase." I rolled my eyes and the familar screech of tires had me bouncing. " Bye! off to school." At the back of the bus was her. Lee.....She was wearing a bright yellow sun dress and her hair was pinned up on one side it fell down in lucious curls and I longed to run my fingers through all that thick hair, I imagined it was soft and I had to shake that thought away. She was chewing on the side of her lip. Which made me want to kiss her. I sat down next to her. " Hey ." Her head snapped up. " Oh my god , I have to tell you something. I met someone last night . At my work.....and I had to tell you because if I hurt you..it would be unfair." I grinned on the inside. Marx you scored.

" Yeah...its okay i'm kinda over it. So who is this person? "

" um his name is Marx." 

" Marx.....you mean my cousin?" 

" you have a cousin?'

" Yup he lives over east......we kind of look alike . I haven't seen him since he moved......do you like him?'

" No.....I mean i'm not sure....okay yeah. is that bad of me?"

" No. everyone has someone they like. Go after him. you only get so many opportunities." She was giggling . I could see her eyes flicker and turn dark green. " I should......I should text him now." ohh shit. My phone was in my pocket , was the ringer off?  I sighed and reached into my pocket and shut my phone off. She was whipping out a text i'd be overzealous to read later. I was overly excited. But I had to tell her I liked her as Marx and get to know her outside of school. 

Western civilization class would never be better. except I wanted Jan out of my hair. She would destroy my relationship I planned to have before it started. I flipped open my Book. She was my partner and truth was I had tried to get away from her. One night she found out my true identity and she was totally convinced she was in love with me. I couldn't have that...and I tried to tell her it was an obsession ....big mistake. She even went to kiss me and I had to tell her I had an illness that would make her extremely sick if she tried. I could feel her watching me as I wrote out my report . Those creepy chills a person gets when they got someone watching them......yeah of course I always had them. She brought out the worst in me. I had 45 mins and counting until class was over. My phone vibrated .....i flipped it open under the desk.....Lee: what are you doing saturday? want to go to the park? or maybe you would think thats stupid....or to see an action flick?" I grinned. Her in the dark and in a skimpy outfit. Oh hell yeah. I texted back sounds great. I could almost hear her squeal like she did last night....when she talked about me.  Jan leaned over me. " whose that?"

" A girl. my girl." Jan pouted. " I thought you and I had something."

" Yeah like everything else....you won't stop creating." She folded her arms.

" You are my boyfriend!" She stomped her foot. " Jesus jan you are fake as your personality and those glasses. I'll have this project done and after that just leave me alone." I watched her stomp off angry with me. I fucking hated brats like that.last night at the diner she purposely sent in those girls to make Lee's life hell. I was pissed....no one would hurt her more. You could tell Lee was a broken person if you just looked into her eyes. Her brusies and hair didn't look the same...as if she was being abused. that thought in itself horrified me. To think anyone would lay a hand on her. made me shake. Even her face was swollen today she looked happier , more content and I wanted to see that more. I wanted her to tell me that she wanted to be with me. I'd take all her pain and give her that smile she was never able to have.

The rest of the day.....was a blur . I kept getting random texts. She wanted to know things about me and she in her own way told me about herself...she loved to play guitar but didn't have one anymore. that was on my list to buy her one.I just wanted to hear her play. another thing was she loved stars they reminded her of her best friend. It made me smile the girl was definitely passionate in such a way most people weren't.  I'd almost forgotten that i'd have to shut off my phone during 7th period....otherwise I'd be hung. She walked in front of me and my phone was jammed into the deepest part of my pocket. " Hey Alia." She turned to wave at me. " Dude class projects suck...." I grinned...she hated homework almost as much as me. " Yeah they can ....especially when Janelle is your partner." I watched her wince like she was in pain. " oooo."  

" Yup.she's up my ass every five minutes. "

" Well I could get her off your back,.if you can get me that date with Marx." My god she was captivating. I couldn't believe my luck.....but also my bad luck that would soon bite me in the ass for that I was certain.  " Of course I can. " My hand flew to my stomach where the cramping would begin again and radiate to the lower part of my back. Thats the thing I wish would disappear.....the boobs and that.....My dysphoria was at its peak now and I wanted to scream. " Alia I'll see you in class." She frowned at me. " Cramps I got some midol. " She shoved a pill capsul into my hand and I sprinted. I was in the bathroom for almost a good half hour, I was missing class right now. My recently favorite class. I stared at myself in the mirror. " You suck at being a dude..the only reason you passed in the diner was because you finally perfected your voice. She'll find out....you should just tell her before its too late." But she'd hate me.....she'd want a guy that was biologically that. i was a freak who had to bind my chest. A poor pathetic excuse for a male. the expense of my transformation was unreal. It was money i couldn't just get....plus therapy that costs....and you have to go under a gender therapist for so long before they can sign approval. I hated my life.  The bathroom door flung open. " Hey Maddie is everything okay? You weren't in class and we just got a shit ton of assignments. I wanted to know if you could help me with it.or maybe I could meet up Marx and he could help me...hes good at everything." You just had to talk yourself up , didn't you? 

" Yeah that's a great idea. Why don't you call him. I'm walking back. I'm just not feeling too well." I could pull this off as the flu. I couldn't hold out forever though. I was scared to admit who I was to a girl who had feelings for me. My hands were shaking. Suddenly she had her arms around me. " maddie you're such an amazing friend. Get some rest i'll tell you everything tomorrow!" I grinned and looked down at her tiny frame compared to me who was 6'5 and growing. I got the good genes at least. I wasn't short by any means sometimes i had to squat just to be her height so we could have a conversation. I had a thing for small girls. " Thanks ." The walk home was never too bad. I did a pretty job so far of  getting her to like me. My day would be great if my Dsyphoria would get under control.