Believe me when I say I'm not my gender

chapter six - The past and the future who it made me to be

I woke up passed out on the cold floor of my room. I pressed my hand to my temple. My whole head was throbbing. I pushed my self to get up on my feet. My whole body was achy and sore. It felt like I had been hit by a car. I walked into the bathroom. The damage was horrifying and it looked like I was in a car wreck. I don't remember anything after Mom tossed her wine bottle at me. I just remember the shattering sound and I blacked out. My face was swollen and my lips were ready to burst open. My mouth was filled with dried blood. A choked sob escaped me. I reached for my tooth brush and scrubbed hard while rinsing with water. I was sick of living sometimes. I stared at my hair it looked burnt to a crisp. I'd either have to shave my head or wear a baseball cap. There was no way explaining this and if I went to foster care.......I'd never go to my school or write my songs. I used to play guitar until My mom busted mine on 14th Birthday in eighth grade. I never had money to get another one. I looked at the clock in the hall way it was noon. Mom and Dad were gone I could sneak out. I ran to my room and pulled on clothes that were clean and would cover the most severe of the damage. I pulled my hair into my brother's old baseball cap. It's been about three years and it still smells like him , I kept a bottle of cologne and his favorite hoody. We used to write songs together and he taught me how to play guitar. It just feels empty in this world without Cade by my side. Like losing a best friend. He used to cook me burnt mac and cheese. That brought a smile to my face. It hurt to smile but at least I looked somewhat better. I could put some coverup on and some eyeshadow and maybe eyeliner. You wouldn't know the difference. 

The walk to school took half an hour tops. I had to stop a couple times thought to rub out the stiffness. I walked into the main office and told them I was late. " Sorry I really meant to be on time. My part time job is really getting me and my parents didn't drive me. " The secretary at the front desk stared at me. " You're still late and you don't get credit for the class you missed."

" I know. I'll be going to 5th period soon. It's lunch time right? " He nodded at me.

" Thanks. " I ran to the lunchroom dropping my bags on the floor. I had no strength left this time. I should have went to the hospital. I'd have to explain the bruises and get taken away. All the possibilites swirled through my head and I felt a hand tap my shoulder. " Take off the hat. You know the rules. No hats in school." Oh shit. everyone would know.

" Um look I have a skin condition and I'm supposed to wear this hat at all times."

" Miss Saunders hat now!" I reached for it wincing. Then something flew through the air and landed ontop of the vice principles head. It looked like......gooey mac and cheese. I stifled a giggle when I noticed it was Maddy. She was helping me! I wrote in the air , " thanks for saving my ass." I got a nodd .The vice looked around for the source but before it happened a handful of cooked spinach was followed by bologne. I took this opportunity to drop to my knees, I crawled soldier style across the floor and finally got to maddy I tuggged on her foot. " Thanks . For  saving my ass. " 

" you're welcome...but um if I get detention it's my first one."

" First one? dude I've had millions and oh I was supposed to go to one today. " I sighed.

" So there not like all dungeon like."

" You thought it'd be like prison. not even close and cute shoes." 

" Why are you wearing a hat?" I looked down.

" Oh I like to wear them occassionally."

" you're lying." I know. She tugged off my hat in one fluid motion and I heard a gasp.

" Your hair......." Maddy slid down next to me and suddenly I was in her arms and it smelled like cologne and all male. It didn't feel like hugging a girl...it was too warm. I burst into tears before I knew it and I gripped Maddy's shirt my fingers dug in so much I felt like I could hurt her. " Don't let them see me.....please." Maddys chin rested on the top of my head.

" I promise with my life , no one will know." I couldn't stop sobbing and it was all over her shirt. Tear stains, great I was overly emotional.

" thanks Maddy....I owe you so much."

" Well......you don't owe me anything. " 

" I do alot more than than you think." Maddy tucked my hair back into the hat and tugged me to my feet. " You really are pulling off the guy thing. you look just like one...kinda sexy, unruly and mysterious." Maddy blushed and I laughed. " I didn't mean to seem like I was hitting on you. It's just amazing. You should join the drama department. They need someone who knows what there doing." Maddy glared at me. " Thats too gross. "

" No its not. I totally love things like that. I'm a sucker for people who can act. " I realized how tall Maddy was and she towered above me. The more I looked at her ..the more I was convinced she was a guy. My heart was racing...the last boyfriend I had didn't have this effect until a week into dating. Their was nooo fucking way I was crushing on another girl. I slinked away from Maddy and took off running for the next class.