School spirit never existed in my vocabulary and now I had to attend a football game for Pleasant Hill High School. Never did I once attend a game in this school or in the last one I attended.
The past few days have been surprisingly tolerable. I haven't talked to Kade in days. He said that he couldn't be seen with me at school because it would ruin his reputation. I was pissed then and I still am now. Why does he care about his reputation so much? Am I such a loser? I mean what did I expect. For him to treat me like a normal person when he has the highest role in PHHS hierarchy. At the end of the day, he'll lose the deal he made if he keeps wasting my time.
I don't exist. I'm just a void. Kade won't notice if I don't go to the game, right? I'm practically invisible and it makes my life easier. Hidden inside comfortable sweats from the outside world helps you not give a fuck. Walking down the hall is always a struggle but I make it to my locker at some point. Shoving my books into my locker is a hassle. High school is just hell.
It's Friday, the day all the freshmen get excited to see a football game. A day where the cheerleaders are annoying as fuck and dress inappropriately. A day where Kade Carson claims his reign.
People are dressed in the colors I have despised since the day I set foot on the school. Azure and gold signs all around the school giving students another chance at fitting in. I hated myself in the morning for this but I left my sweats behind. It was recommendations from none other than Kade. I might not even go to the game but he doesn't know that. I regret following him to his house after all. I'm in such an uncomfortable situation and I put myself in it.
"Hey, Marigold! Is that you?!"
Hasn't he seen me in normal clothes plenty of times before?
"Hey James."
"I can't believe you are going to your first game and you're wearing something normal to school for once" he states ecstatically.
Time goes by quickly when you suffer from anxiety. You're too busy thinking about what you did wrong and what you didn't do to focus on anything else. All my days feel like this. They have felt like this for the past few years. I struggle to be a perfectionist and I've done a great job so far but I fail sometimes. Failing makes me have panic attacks. Having atychiphobia makes everything unbearable.
I felt relief today after a long time. I didn't have to worry about being caught by parents. They probably wouldn't think I'm good enough if they saw who the real me is. I'm afraid of rejection. I've been tousled like a piece of paper and rejected by many this past week. It makes me want to pull my hair out. Some days I can't help but stay in bed because I rather breakdown at home than somewhere where I'll be the laughing stock of the season.
I don't like social events. I hate feeling trapped. Breathing gets harder every time. I can't go. Kade doesn't know what I have to go through in order to look normal or like I am perfectly fine.
I'm not going to the game.
The bell has rung and people rush past me to reach the football field for something they were anxious to see. I'm not like them. I dread events like these and I don't want to show weakness in public. I wish someone could ask me what's going on. I wish someone would know how to help without me having to ask for it and not just tell me to "calm down".
I make my way to the exit. There's my escape. The exit.
"Marigold! Aren't you going to the game?"
I freeze. I can't go to the game. I'm bound to get a panic attack with the cheers and the close proximity of those around me because I can't be more like them.
I turn around to see Kade running down the hall.
"I'm not going" my voice echoes in the hall. You can hear the cheering of hundreds of students outside.
"You have to. It's part of the deal."
"Kade, I'm not even sure our deal still stands. You've been ignoring me for the past few days. I thought I was somewhat decent enough to hang out with you. You care too much of what people think of you and I'm so over it."
How can I be such a hypocrite? I care about what people think. I need to be a perfectionist.
"Marigold, it's my reputation."
" I don't care if you have a reputation! Can't you care for someone how seems to care for you? I'm not fake. I like who the real Kade is and you're not him."
I have never been emotionally unstable but I might just be on the verge of tears as ridiculous as it sounds because he makes me feel like I'm not good enough. He brings out my fears. He brought out something that had been put to the side for so long.
"Marigold! You don't want to know the real me! I'm a bad person who has caused a lot of damage. I can't bear to lose you too."
Damage? What damage?
"You mean you can't bear to lose your secret."
"Give me your hand."
"Why?"
"I'm taking you to the game. You will sit front row with me and I'll tell everyone about you."
"I can't and you won't understand why Kade. I just can't."
I face the exit, pushing the door open when I'm suddenly being yanked by the wrist.
"You're coming whether you like it or not."
As we rush down the hall I can only think about how everything is becoming overwhelming and how the air keeps getting thicker. A bunch of questions and emotions are rushing through me. I can't handle it.
I can't.
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I decided to make like a filler chapter on Marigold. You definitely get to learn more about her in this chapter like I did with Kade a few chapters back. I wrote about anxiety and I think that it was something real and raw to add to it. Nobody's perfect and we all face different struggles daily. I inserted a video on anxiety for those that don't know what it is and I think this video is done in a personal way which makes it easy for many to relate.
