Life is tough

The beginning

* If you can respond with advice it would be much appreciated *

I guess I should start right from the beginning. All the way back at February of year 11. I had meet this girl who actually liked me, shocking I know. I liked her as well to. To be fair she was pretty hot but stupid me that's all I fell for, she had the personality of a goldfish. I'm not joking. She had no interests in anything apart from shoes. I'm not going to lie I like nice shoes but if that's all your interested in you are a boring fucker. The time together was nice but it lack something which will in the relationship I couldn't figured out. I have now, she was just boring. The main attraction was her looks that's it. We went out for 3 months. We were both 16 but nothing developed physically. The furthest it went was cuddles and kissing which was nice. She didn't distract me from school work which was good. We broke up in a bad way because of her "monthlies" and I know some women find it hard at that time I am completely understanding of that; but to get over aggressive and threatening like a man who wants a fight for me was the final straw. I was going to tell her we was breaking up I had it all had out what I was going to say but I think to make herself feel good she technically broke it off first. She let herself down because she suggested things such as, 'didn't want to go out in the first place' and 'I only wanted a spooning partner' which reminded me of the phrase, 'lose with grace' which okay our relationship wasn't a sport but that phrase should be thought of before every break up, not filled with hatred. Which wound me up. This is what started my anger.

I think I get my traits from different members of my family. Obviously my mum and dad but my uncle and granddad too. So mainly a male influence which is understandable because I have my mum and grandmother as women but dad,2 uncles, closet cousins, brother and granddad. So there occasional aggressive behaviour which I have seen. So I may of picked it up then but before I was in year 9 which would of made me around 13 that's the first time I thought I was aggressive but that was probably hormones. That probably did some of my talking as well and I think people at secondary school didn't know the real me. I can be really calm and I can be really aggressive. Little stupid things wind me up sometimes and they shouldn't. When I see in newspapers people I don't know has raped someone or killed someone and got like 14 years it really annoys me. When I see British troops dying in Afghanistan it frustrates me. When I see other people being bullying it really annoys me. Part of the way I am I guess.

After what happen with my ex I went through the rest of school year grinding away trying to finish the year good but what happen wasn't so good. Loss of friends, loss of confidence and other emotional problems. I finish school, did ok, went to prom with my mates it was ok. After party was a laugh. Nice way to end school but then the summer holidays came.... I was out with my mates, a few of them had invited a few of their mates who I though were ok some of them could be dickheads. One of them thought it would be funny would be really funny and try to abuse me, so I just went home. A few text me asking where I had been, what I was up to? I was just blunt with them. To be honest I was more concerned about my granddad who had gone in the critical care unit at hospital. Me, my brother and cousin went up there everyday at 3pm to see him. Then my uncle, his girlfriend, my dad and mum went to see him at 7pm. My grandma cannot go out the house without someone and cannot walk very fair. She has emphysema I think it's called. Thankfully, my granddad got better and is back home now but there's still a problem which I will explain later. So after this fall out with my friends I spoke to a few of them, mainly my favourite jake. His the one of only really talk to. I started to go away from them and hardly spoke to them, went out with them, had any commutation with them. It was properly a mixture of being pushed away and me wanting away, only problem with that was that I had no real mates. So I decide to contact my mates who I used to talk to round where I lived. They seem to let me into their "friendship group." But not fully which is a pain but it's better than nothing.

Unfortunately none of my local mates went to my college but my "old" mates did. I would of start college with them in my classes but no they were still in my classes but they had become strangers. They thought it was funny to pretend they didn't even know me or notice me. What they didn't know is how i felted. I didn’t think it was funny. They probably didn’t when we were friends. When we were friends, I was the joker and the kid who received most of the jokes. At first I found it funny but towards the end I didn’t and I was getting sick of it. They found that I should man up but it isn’t my fault that for a male I feel insecure about certain things such as: people's opinion, my looks, my weight etc. Everyone had friends, I had zero. I talked to a few people from my previous school who aren't friends with my "old" mates but that was it. It is fortune, I had a good relationship with my English teacher Alex (at college tutors use their first name as some of you made know) so I went in to her room and talk to her about what was going on. In addition to talking to her I this girl in my maths I spoke to. Her name was Kate. Well helped each other with our problems, well I thought she was nice until someone told me she was saying stuff behind my back...Really should of expected this...