Life is tough

Girls (again)

I've spoken about girls before but I am going to speak about them again and I properly will in the future along with all my other worries and thoughts.

I am at that age where I am looking for a girlfriend. I maybe a vital time with my exams coming up but I still am. A girl wouldn't put me off. Considering I'm at my second year at college and will be looking for someone who's 17 and up; so they will have exam's too. I haven't had a girlfriend since year 9. That's a long time. I have/had best mates who are girls and have had cuddles etc with them but I haven't had a strong love for them like I did when I was with Lucy. Since then I haven't and maybe that's what I need to kick-start my emotions and the old me again? You never know? It could work? One small problem with that is finding that girl....

Unfortunately, girls do judge you first off by looks and for me that isn't good. My attraction if there is one is my personality. Out of 10 I would give my looks a 4. Which is very low. People would possibly say higher but I have no confidence so; but I would give my personality an 8. I can be a kind, caring, sensitive guy. I can be romantic etc. Just sometimes wish I looked better and wasn't overweight else I would be fine with girls I think.

I use to be ok talking to girls. Hello, my name is.... But more importantly what's yours? I could do that easily... Today I wouldn't even do that if I was left in a room with a stranger. I be looking straight down at the floor. Nervous. Embarrassed. No confidence. That's me with girls. This doesn't help because I really like one. I known have to check with my emotions if it is just a phase, turns out it isn't which is annoying because yeah she really nice and pretty but my chances are like 0.0000000000001% which isn't good. Especially when these feelings are deep. Very deep. So deep I cannot stop thinking. But then you see them with someone else. Someone who's better looking then yourself and you think, well they have a better chance. I am just the guy who's nice but nobody knows. The one who's good with understanding and giving advice but never boyfriend "material" and that a kick in the nuts because if your current boyfriend cannot do that? Why are you with him? A boyfriend has to be understanding.... Caring... Kind... Good with helping, offering support and giving advice. If he cannot do that, how far is that relationship going to go? Not very far. I'm like that gay best friend. Always there. Always ready to offer support, advice and comfort but never thought as a good boyfriend.... I generally want to know why? I get girls who like me but I don't like them in that way. I love them as a friend? Is it because I don't give them a chance I don't get given chances? Is that the reason? Because if it is I think that's really unfair. Who ever is watching over us, I think that's unfair. Its not my fault I'm attractive to one girl but not the other.. Why? Yes I'm ranting and raving! I have had a shit day... That one moment that changes your mood and out look on the day... That one moment, couldn't someone chucked me a gun? I would of pulled the trigger on the spot. Done and dusted....

I sometimes feel girls are immature even at my age, all they want is over the top attractive guys who sometimes are funny and have a good personality but who are usually out of their league. They also only care about stupid things like best body. The best body isn't going to bring in a good amount of money. A good future for you is it? That's what I look for in my women. Girls who are going to be successful. Some of them were for fun? But at this moment in life if I had a bit of fun with a girl I don't think it would be bad? I need some loving and passion and maybe I'll be back to me good old cheerful self. But being brutally honest I look for that girl who I could spend the rest of my life with. The type of girl who is going to bring decent money home, happy, kind, caring, intelligent, funny, good with kids, calm etc. Usually a very beautiful women. I know it is a bit early to look for these qualities but I do. Just the way I am. I have never looked for a girl who is easily going to get into bed and do stuff, I have never wanted that. I have always wanted a meaningful relationship.

Unfortunately I am at that age girls are looking for attractive guys for a bit of quick fun. Not many girls with the qualities I want either are looking for a boyfriend for the future. So not being good looking doesn't help me in either of them categories. It really annoys me obviously at first you see attractive people of the opposite or same sex and think they are hot, sexy whether you say to describe an attractive girl; anyway, you look at their looks then decide if you want to talk to them. When I see the girls that are "ah there ok." Kind of girl I always wanted to get to know them as they are usually more down to earth and have better personalities which I prefer, but that doesn't happen at my age. So I'm haven't had a girlfriend since year 9 because of this reason I think, properly also because every girl at my college, secondary school and through mates properly think I'm messed up, which in some ways I agree with. I cannot help it though. It is the way I am. I try to help people too much, care too much and that's why I feel like this. It happen to my great granddad. So I fear that's going to happen to me( he had a mental breakdown as well ) which scares the shit out of me. He was a police dog handler and ended up a museum tour guild and other lower pay jobs. I don't want that. I really don't but I fear I will.