Lost in Tokyo

Ju Go

It was his last day in Manila, and we decided to just stay in my condo. He prepares dinner and accompanied them with some white wine. He puts on the candles, and some music. I have never had a nice, romantic dinner indoors, and this was definitely a first.

After dinner, he decides to put on some music and grabs my arms and placed it around his neck. We slow danced to the music by Ron Pope. His eyes are closed inhaling the scent of my hair, while I drop my head on his chest hearing the beat of his heart.

You're the reason I come home
You're the reason I come home my love

"Maine," he whispers.

"Shh." I put my hand on his lips then go back to my position. "Let's just enjoy this, okay?"

You're the reason that when everything I know falls apart
You're the reason I come home

I try to drown out the things that bother me and just try to stay in the moment. He's leaving for Tokyo in the morning, and I was never good with goodbyes. He holds my chin and he just stares at me. I try to avoid it. I was not ready to cry. I was not ready to see him go just yet. The past week has been incredible despite the things that happened.

"Maine, I've been meaning to tell you this and I know everything has been happening so fast. We barely see each other, and hell, this might be too difficult for us. But..."

I just wait for the words that come out of his mouth.

"But... I am in love with you, Maine. Hopelessly in love with you. If you didn't know it then, I just wanted to tell you now. You don't have to say anything. Just stay with me like this."

I hug him back letting the music take us. Maybe I'm too afraid to say the words out loud, but God knows that I am scared. Scared that I am finally tearing my walls down and letting this man take over my heart.

***

I drop Richard at the airport, and this time I actually feel my heart sinking. Is this how it's supposed to be all the time? The time always comes that one of us has to go. I have gotten so close  to him.

"What's wrong?" He cups my chin and looks at me.

"I'm going to miss you. Does it always have to be like this?"

Of course, due to the request of Direk Jen and the management I had to keep my personal life on the down low. We just sat in my van while Mang Joey brings down his luggages. I wish we could go out, and I can just say goodbye to him at the gate, but no. He understands the circumstances, and I feel guilty for dragging him along in my messes.

"In time, Maine."

"I'm going to miss you," and I start crying like a baby. I can't believe I'm showing him my ugly-cry.

"Maine..."

"I really will."

"I'll miss you, too. I love you."

He goes down the car gives me one last hug and kiss. He turns his back and opens the door. I grab his arm for him to stop.

"Wait," I tell him. I give him one last kiss.

"I love you, too."

***

It was a Sunday afternoon and I try to hibernate as much as possible since it was the first rest day I had in weeks. I needed to catch up on sleep most definitely, so I opted to just stay at home instead of going out with my friends. Richard's back in Tokyo, and lately we've been too busy to even speak a minute or two. 

After lunch, Coleen and Niki wanted to go to the mall, while I stayed home and just stayed with Matti watching Peppa Pig and another cartoon that was on marathon. I dropped in a quick call to Richard, and took a short nap.

"Maine!" Tatay called me from the living room.

"Po?"

"Usap tayo."

Usap? Whenever Tatay says that word, it usually ends in a long sermon of me doing something wrong. My mind races a hundred miles per hour. My heart beats faster. My stomach turns into knots. Nobody ever dissed the "Usap tayo" line from Teodoro Mendoza. No one.

"Bakit po?" I come out of my room and down the staircase. I see him on his phone tinkering it, and then he looks at me and sets down his phone and eye glasses.

"Masaya ka ba?"

I wasn't sure if I heard it right. I was confused where this conversation was actually heading. "Ano po?" Then I look at him bewildered.

"Masaya ka ba, 'kako." He repeats it but his face was dead serious. He taps his hand on the couch gesturing for me to sit beside him. I oblige immediately sitting down on the couch.

"Masaya naman po. Bakit?"

"Wala lang. Nakikita ko na ang laki ng pinagbago mo." He holds my hand, and I intertwine it with his. "Lagi kang nakangiti. Kahit pagod, di halata. Alam ko itchura mo pag pagod, pag stressed. Lately, parang sobrang positibo mo. Pero... Si Richard ba ang dahilan?"

Uhm, awkward! Why would I even have this heart to heart with my dad right? He was never one to ask such things. As much as possible, he always kept a stern look and would always think that no man was good enough for his daughters. There was always a flaw that didn't pass his standards. I was actually scared where this conversation is going. It could be good, but it could also mean the opposite.

"Siguro po," I answered honestly but I try to avoid his gaze.

"Mabuti naman kung ga'non. Alam mo mabait na bata si Richard. Minsan nga parang anak ko na rin pag magkakasama kami. Pero hindi ibig sabihin non ay kampante na ako ng buong buo. Nagaalala rin ako minsan sa inyo, mas lalo na sa'yo shempre anak kita. Gusto ko siya para sa'yo, pero anak wag lang siyang magkamali na paiyakin or saktan ka. Kahit di mo sabihin, alam ko nanliligaw siya sa'yo at gusto mo rin siya," He explains.

"Tay naman!" A tear escapes my eye. "Pinapaiyak niyo naman ako eh."

It's true. I was not expressive as a child, nor is my dad about his feelings. We always had a 'just go with the flow' type of relationship and if it doesn't need to be talked about then just let it be. I hug him, and kiss him on my cheek. "Tay, wala po kayo dapat ipagalala. Si Richard po, tulad ng sabi niyo kela nanay, nakikita ko naman po na mabait. Nakikita ko rin na close kayo. Parang anak mo na rin. Minsan nga nakaka-inggit eh!" I punch him lightly in the arm. "Shempre gusto ko yung magaling makisama sa inyo ni Nanay."

"Hay nako, Meng! Kung masaya ka sa kanya, nandito lang ako para gabayan kayo. Shempre nasa inyo ang decision."

"Boto po ba kayo sa kanya?" 

"Botong boto."