Why can't I breathe?
Things are getting worse. The pull is getting stronger. Tyler's skin is crawling with every word his mother speaks to him, making him want to rip his dark locks straight out of his scalp.
"Tyler. Listen to me." His mother yells, making him flinch. He knows he messed up.
He knows he messed up.
"You've failed every one of your core classes. What is going on with you lately? I've given you so much freedom, Tyler, to try and get your grades up and to do your best and clean up your messes, but you've done none of those things."
"I know, mom. I'm sorry, okay? I'll do better." He swears, looking anywhere but his mother's gaze.
She only sighs and mutters, "You said that last time."
What else am I supposed to say?
He walks back to his room, shutting his door and letting out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding.
Why can't I breathe?
And that's when his mind drifts to his bathroom counter.
-
"You know you can always talk to me, Joshua." His mother says. She had been crying her eyes out, due to her business going slower than it used to. But he sat there on the bathroom floor with her for an hour, wrapping his arms around her and whispering words of encouragement.
But can he? She hasn't been home in two weeks, and as soon as she walks in, she asks why the living room didn't look vacuumed.
It's my mom, he says. She needs to know.
He takes a deep breath as if he hadn't breathed in years.
And he tells her everything. He tells her how his skin crawls, how he feels the need to hurt others or himself, how he's been so close to stepping into the thrashing waters of the nearby lake nearly 4 times now; and with tears in his eyes along with some rolling down his cheeks, he spills his guts.
There was a deafening silence so incredibly loud, it almost wasn't silence at all.
"Please say something." He whispers, looking down, his eyes so red it doesn't look real.
Deafening silence.
Static.
Please.
"There's a hole in your sock."
Then he wishes the painful silence was back.
He stands up, throwing his mom's arms off of him (what little they were there) and slams her bathroom door shut, leaving her there to look at her less than spotless bathroom floor.
He locks his door, throwing himself into his own bathroom finding the shiny piece of metal in his drawer under his things.
The silence.
It's too loud.
He's so sick of not feeling anything, he craves to feel something. Something.
He can't take this feeling, the feeling of knowing, just knowing that if you were gone no one would miss you. No one would care. Not even your own mother.
He lifts up his shirt, and feels something.
When it's over, he feels dirty. He feels sick, and disgusting. He knows he shouldn't have, but he did. Yet at the same time, the silence is finally quiet.
~
Josh's arms are wrapped around Tyler so tightly, he feels he's gonna suffocate him.
Tyler doesn't mind.
It's almost 3:00am, and josh has skillfully snuck through his bedroom window.
"I'm not sure what to do." Tyler whispers, his fist tightening around Josh's shirt.
"Me either."
And it's in that moment where Tyler realizes they're both lost. They're both scared out of their minds.
Their chests are pressed together, feeling the warmth of each other's skin. Their legs are so tangled if one was pulled away the other would come with.
Josh's fingers trail over Tyler's arms, and for the first time, the touch doesn't scare him.
"May I keep touching you?" Josh asks sweetly, making sure it's okay with Tyler, he doesn't want to push it.
He nods, his angelic eyes still closed.
Josh slowly slips his hand under Tyler's shirt, feeling his breath hitch against his neck.
He runs his warm hand slowly up his tummy, letting it rest on his rib cage.
Josh kisses his nose, making Tyler giggle.
"You need some sleep." Josh whispers against his temple, sending involuntary shivers down Tyler's spine.
"But..." He can't feel this way, he can't.
"I want you to stay. And I... want to keep being with you." He says against Josh's neck.
"But you already don't sleep much. I don't want you to be even more sleepless."
He wants to stay with Tyler too, and he wants to keep having pointless conversations while caressing his skin. He wants to breathe in the scent of Tyler, just so he can remember it when he's not around.
Josh scoots down to be eye level with the brunette, staring into his eyes. When Josh looks through his eyes, he feels so transparent and vulnerable. Like every layer Tyler has constructed behind his eyelids have suddenly vanished, leaving his true, terrified form. But at the same time, he's addicted to it.
Josh starts to bring his hand up to hold the quivering boy's face, but stops short due to the fact he doesn't want to scare him. But just as he does, Tyler intertwines his fingers with his, bringing his hand up to his face.
Josh can feel just how hot it is, and how shallow and uneven his breaths are. Then, there's a different pull than the two boys are used to. One that brings their faces close together, one that makes their skin tingle with excitement, not fear.
Josh can't help but notice how beautiful his lips are, perfectly full, the curve of them somewhat alluring.
They feel each other's breath on their lips, uneven and shaky breaths being exchanged between mouths. Finally, the red head closes the space, pressing his lips to the most flushed boy in the world. As every inch of their body is touching, grasping, needing, they see colors explode in the back of their eyelids.
Tyler is so lost in the moment, he doesn't notice his hand slipping out of the other boy's and going into his ruffled hair. He doesn't notice his tongue slipping through his lips and onto Josh's. He doesn't notice Josh flipping them over, laying on top of him; and if he didn't feel every part of Josh's warmth before, he sure as hell does now. Josh slips his warm hands up his wrists, slipping them into Tyler's, pressing them in the space next to his head. He can feel josh's toned body through the clothes he suddenly wishes he didn't have on. He shakes away the thought.
One step at a time.
They pull away, gasping for air, though they both could've gone without it.
"Tyler." The name comes out like a breath, like it was the only word he's ever known.
"Josh."
