Just A Few Thoughts

Being "O.K."

Alright, now we are going to dive into a deeper and darker part. This is where you are going to meet me, hear a lovely story above myself...

See, I've been fighting a lot of emotions for a few years now, say, they came into serious perspective at about grade 6. Four years ago. A long time ago, so it seems.

I'm what some call, depressed. However, no one believes me, saying it's a hormone imbalance, because I'm a teenage girl. I can stand around at home, and be all alone and just wonder. There's ropes around here I can use to hang myself, there's knives I can use to stab myself, there's guns I can use to shoot myself, there's drugs I can use to poison myself... There's a hell of a lot I can do to kill myself.

Many people seem to fear death, and here I am, up at 3am many a nights, starring at it in the face. A bottle of pain killers. Full bottle. So many times I get up, take it out, and just, look at it.

And they tell me I'm "O.K.". I don't think so.

I've been on and off cutting myself. Off now, but I see it starting again soon.

I'm scared of myself.

But don't worry, cause I'm O.K..

No, I'm not...

I fear myself, every night. I'm scared, that one day, I'll build up my guts, and swallow 30 some pills whole and just go back to bed, never waking back up.

I am terrified, of my own reflection. I am terrified, of the dark. I am terrified, of the mind that is my own.

I mentioned in the last section, of a friend of mine, who's the reason why I'm alive. With him saying that, not wanting to give up on me, I can't turn around to give up on him. I'm obligated as a friend to return the favor. I don't think he realizes that I'm here because of a simple text: "I know, but I won't." Who woulda thought such a small phrase would currently save my life? I sure as hell didn't.

I'm yet to find another reason to live. Nothing else really matters.

I'm "O.K" though. Nothing to worry for.

Did I tell you about me cutting? Not in much detail. Innocently, there's a push pin in my closet door, next to another hanging a calendar. It's yellow. The end, the sharp tip, is bent and curled back to face you. I use that, it cuts my wrists like butter, it's so smooth, so sharp. It releases that pain I swallow.

But remember, I'm "O.K.", don't worry.

They say sometimes it's just cause of my disliking school.

School: 8:50am - 3:30pm for me, Monday-Wednesday and Friday, Thursday being 8:50-1:45.

I'm up at 6am, every morning during the week, 2 hours and 50 minutes before school and 10:45 I try to sleep, 7 hours and 15 minutes out of school, not accomplishing it till about 4, 4 hours and 50 minutes till the next day. So, my "usual" day is 6 hours and 40 minutes in school, not a lot compared to out, excluding the homework, which may be about another hour for school, plus just my stress over it, another 5 hours at least, then helping other kids with their school work, maybe 2 hours, plus preping for it that 2 hours and 50 minutes before it, and then the kids just talking about school on the internet, which is just all the time almost for me, so there's that too.

But it's just school that makes me like that, plus hormones, so I'm "O.K.".

Now, I know I'm not the only one in the world with these problems. I realize that. But I'm just putting it out there, I'm adding all of this up, and from my stand point, if this was a friend, I wouldn't label them as "O.K.".

*sigh* Alright, you may be wondering why I keep putting "O.K.", right? Well, doctor's appointment, due to expected depression, he actually write in his notes: "Dislikes school, 2 good friends, hormones causing moods, but still O.K.." That day has haunted me forever, and will remain to for the longest time. The part that kills me, is that my doctor has a daughter of his own, and if she was in my state, I'm telling you, he would be flipping shit if he was told she's "O.K.", nothing wrong. My mom just sits there and believes him.

Let me tell you this:

I promise, if I do happen to eventually give into a relationship, and it goes as far as a family, I will not accept a doctors label for my daughter wanting to kill herself, getting up every night at 3 to test her courage to try for death, as "O.K.".

And you know what pisses me off? People all around me: "I hate my life..." or "Kill me already." when their parents are mad at them, or they didn't get the audition. Like, seriously, things like that happen, and they happen all the time. You better not kill yourself over something so stupid and... just... STUPID! I mean, not to play my own cards here, but my parents don't even care I'm wanting to kill myself, only staying alive for one friendship. And then there are those who's got one abusive parent, or no parents. Or they're actually dying of cancer, or something that they have no control over, that's taking control of them. Get over yourself. One day, you'll get it better off. Some of us will never. Some of us won't actually live through school, live through adulthood, live through parenthood, hell, some of us might not even live through that day. Don't you dare as for death to take you, because of one little bump. There's a hell of a lot worse.

Now, for the part to make everyone soft, cry.

That friend I said, the one to keep me here and alive. Yeah, he never knew that I'm here, just for that. I doubt it, I mean. I said in the last part, I'm a coward when it comes to feelings. Hell, I don't think I'll ever tell him that I'm only here because I wasn't gonna toss his care away. I had no friends at that very moment (I was in the middle of a fight with the only other two I had, my brother and 'sister' {we all have that friend who should be related to us}), but him, and I was not letting him go. I was looking for one excuse to stay alive, and that was him. But again, he'll never know. Forget it. I'm not telling him that... I mean, it's normal to tell your girl friends, being a girl, that you love them. But saying something like that to a guy, being a girl, makes your friendship a whole lot of awkward. The only way is if he hears my little thanks speech from something, and realizes it's him, or a friend shows him this and says so, or he realizes it's him.

Then I'm... I don't know what'll happen to me. I'll be screwed probably, right?

I don't know...

But don't forget, someone, make sure that if I kill myself, it's written on my grave: "But she was 'O.K.'"

Just in case some of you are going though something similar, you're not alone. You can talk to me if you want. I'm here for you. I want to do the same my friend did, maybe save a life.

Take care,

~Ally Love