TRIGGER WARNING
(A/N this is no spoilers for any season in here its my own interpretive literature)
I sat in the dimly lit bathroom, slowly bringing the razor blade down to my wrist. He saw his blood drip down my wrist.
I didn't like the fact that he was still living, I wanted to go home, I wanted to go back to heaven. After a while of praying that the angels would take him back, I decided there was no use, there was no use for anything anymore, no use for life, no use for eating, no use for sleeping. Everything sucks. I gave up a while ago. I started cutting about two months after the angels. Me, Dean, and Sam found a case and when we met with a witness she had scars going down her wrists. I asked Dean after the case of what they were, he told me that she was self harming, that she wanted to end her life, that when people cut themselves it feels good to them, it takes them away from reality, Dean said that it was never a way to go about things. When we got back to the bunker after the case. I thought about all the things that Dean said, I went to my bathroom and pulled out a razor blade.
Out of curiosity, I started to cut my wrists... and it felt amazing. It felt like all the weight I was carrying was lifted off my shoulders. It felt like when you go to see a movie and it leaves off on a cliffhanger and you get really excited about the sequel, It felt like my soul was lifted away from my body. Reality just faded away at those very moments. After that I was addicted to it. I cut twice every week, just to get that weight lifted over and over. When I wasn't cutting I was usually picking at the scabs.
I broke out of my thoughts when I heard a knock at the door.
"Cas... What are you doing? I've been knocking on your bedroom door for over 20 minutes."
He can't see me like this, I was too embarrassed for him to see me like this. I remember Dean's words on that case, he thought that cutting was wrong, he would probably be mad at me.
"Cas, come on your starting to worry me"
"Go away, Dean"
I half shouted through tears, I tried so hard to clean up my blood as fast as possible and pull down my pajama shirts sleeves trying to hide my wrists.
"Cas, talk to me, What's going on? Why have you been acting so weird lately?"
I opened up the door and looked down, I had mostly cleaned up the blood, but I still saw Dean's eyes widen, he knew exactly what I was doing, and he just stood there with a shocked expression on his face, me and Dean have been dating for a while we decided not to share a room in the bunker just yet. It felt like hours until Dean finally spoke.
"Cas, Oh my God, please baby, please no" he said while holding onto my shoulders.
He quickly took me into a bone crushing hug. I felt Dean's tears wet the back of my shirt, I started sobbing against him.
"Why did you do this to yourself?" I didn't know what to say, instead I released Dean from my grip and looked into his eyes.
"It felt good, it took me away from reality, Dean... I can't do this anymore" I sobbed and sobbed. He pulled me into another bone crushing hug.
"Shh, shh Cas its alright, your alright" Dean whispered into my ear.
"Why aren't you mad or disappointed that I feel this way?" I pulled away again and he gave me a confused look.
"I would never be mad or disappointed, I'm just sad that you feel this way, I want to kiss all the pain away and hug you until you don't... you know scratch that, until you can't feel this way anymore" I looked at him and smiled, he was the only one that made me happy.
