All for you

Chapter 10

My bunk is surprisingly comfy. I rock gently side to side with the boat in the current. The clock on the wall reads 11:57; night time. I feel a little tired but not enough to sleep yet. I bite the inside of my cheek, wondering deeply what to do. 

I stretch my legs out in my cabin. Standing up slowly, I place my hands on my head and shut my eyes. I have a million thoughts rushing around my head that I can't pin-point any one of the problems. I drag my hands through my hair and let out a long sigh.

I reach out grabbing the handle, opening the door and stepping to my bathroom. It's so tiny. I can't fully stretch either of my arms out anywhere in the bathroom. I turn on the tap allowing cool water to flow out the end. Cupping my hands, water fills them and I splash it on my face. It's actually cold. I gasp in shock. I use the bottom of my shirt to wipe my face off and I stare into the mirror.

My hair looks like crap; oily and tangled. My face is patchy red. My pores look like you could fit a whale in them. My eyes are bloodshot and below then sit dark circles. A bruise sits proudly on my jawline. As I remember this I raise my shirt to see my belly; it looks like a rainbow, bruises in every colour stretch from my sternum to my hips and all the width across. The outlines are yellow, then green, blue and purple. I poke it tenderly. It hurts quite a lot.

I walk out of my bathroom, out of my cabin and stand totally lost in the corridor. I'm usually pretty good with direction and getting a grip of my surroundings but everything on this ship looks identical. Footsteps approach. It's a young, thin woman with shirt brown hair.

"You lost?"

"Yep. Very."

"Ok come on. Come with me."

We walk along the corridor and she opens a door into what looks a lot like a kitchen.

"This is the kitchen but we call it-"

"The galley."

I stop her mid sentence. Her eyebrows raise and she nods.

"Yes this is the galley. I bet your hungry."

"Actually, yeah. Not super hungry but I've got an appetite."

"Oh by the way, I'm Bomber."

She reaches out her hand and I grasp it firmly, shaking it and smiling.

"Obviously that's not my real name. My real name is Rebecca but Bomber sounds a bit cooler I think."

Bomber smiles warmly before tugging open the fridge and pulling out some big trays.

"Sorry we haven't got anything super special. Hope you like chicken and vegetables."

"I will eat literally anything right now."

I honestly had such low standards at this point that even an water would've sufficed.

I watch as Bomber expertly slices chicken off the bone and layers them delicately on a plate with beans, carrots and potatoes.

"Here you go."

She hands me the plate, cutlery and a cup of water. She gestures for me to follow her and she leads me into a small room next door.

"I've got watch duty and I have to be briefed so I'll have to leave you to it. Once you're done just leave it all in the sink in the galley and go get some rest."
Bomber leaves.

I thought I was hungry but I'm suddenly not. I force myself to eat though. It's been at least 24 hours since my last meal and I'm feeling pretty weak.

It takes me much longer than usual to eat dinner but I finally finish, pushing my plate to the edge of the table. I pull my cup close and grip it. I think I stayed staring like this for 15 or 20 minutes until I finally snapped out of it. I finish my water and picked up my plate and cutlery and place it all in the sink like Bomber asked.

I wasn't tired. I saw a set of stairs going upward that looked a lot like the ones to the bridge. I headed toward them and stepping softly, made my way up. The bridge was mostly dark, only lit up by the lights on the screens and monitors. A few little pinging noises as the radar circled. I stood at the top step as the captain pokes his head from around his chair.

"Ivy?"

"Am I allowed out on deck?"

"Are you going to jump?"

"No I just want fresh air and to see the stars."

He stood up and walked to a door off to the side of the bridge. All the doors have weird handles to seal them. He opens it and steps out. I follow.

"I spend so much time out here but never think to look at the stars."

He looks at me with disappointed look on his face. I don't really know what to say. I stare at the water below us listening to the lapping of the waves.

"Have you thought about my offer?"

"I'm still thinking."

I keep my eyes strongly gazing at the waves below.
He puts his hand in my shoulder and walks back inside shutting the door. I walk around to the front of the deck. All I can hear is the waves and a soft hum from the engines. It's almost too quiet but I like it.

I slump down onto the deck. The metal still holds some of the heat from the day. I rest my back on whatever is behind me and look up. Stars speckle the sky like a messy kid playing with glitter. There is barely a gap anywhere in the sky however all the stars are quite dim. The moon shines brightly amongst everything else.

Waves of emotion suddenly overcome me. I don't hold back this time. I let tears stream down my face like a rushing waterfall after rain. If I was totally alone I would scream. My throat aches again and my breathing becomes sporadic. I look up the sky again wondering if you're seeing any of what I am.

I sit crying for a really long time. I wipe away my tears, take a big sniff and a big breath and stand up shakily. I wipe my face with my shirt and walk back to the door. Before I can get it, Bomber opens it.

"They confused me too. It's ok, you get used to them."

She stands clear letting me come through and shutting it behind me.

"Go get some rest. You must exhausted."

"I will. Uhh what's the time?"

"2:30am."

"Oh jeez ok. Well uhh yeah, I'm gonna go sleep. Good.. morning? What do you call it at this time?"
Why am I so confused by this?

Bomber finds it amusing and giggles happily before returning to her post. I head back down the stairs, back down the corridor and back into my room. I collapse heavily into my bunk shutting my eyes and all if asleep almost instantly.