All for you

Chapter 22 (Finale)

Last Day

I unplugged my alarm last night. Being woken by an alarm is the worst start to a day.

My blinds are wide open. I sit nestled between mountains of pillows and covers, comfortably, waiting for the sun to rise. The sky is a deep blue colour.

When it does rise, the colours change so quickly. From pink to orange to yellow and sometimes red. The colours enter my room and reflect off all the walls.

I get myself out of bed and take a shower. I stand under the water as it falls in sheets down my body. It's warm, like a blanket. I get dressed in my uniform. It feels weird to be wearing it. I stand in front of the mirror wondering if I'm wearing it correctly.

I lace my up my boots and tie my hair in a low bun. I make a cold coffee; just instant coffee and sugar dissolved in a bit of hot water and topped with milk. I drink it out of my favourite mug from my best friend.

Too much Mondays... Not enough coffee

I'm convinced coffee tastes better out of this mug. I sit on the couch looking out of the window and across the water again. It's flat calm; barely a ripple.

I double check all my kit bags are packed and that I have everything else I need.

Got my guns, uniforms, extra clothes, toiletries, room decorations and other random stuff. In total I have 2 kit bags and 2 extra backpacks. This could be interesting.

Just as I start tidying up, you knock at the door. You stand there with a look on your face; it's half happy and half sadness or disappointment. You did say I was never good at reading you.

I stand waiting for you to say something but you just walk up to me and hold me close. Your hands are wrapped tightly around my waist and your head rests heavily on my shoulder.

"It's going to be ok"

You don't say anything. You just hold me tighter. I pull away to see your face. I feel completely helpless looking at you.

I shut the door behind you and drag you on the couch.

"Why are you sad?"

"Why aren't you sad?"

"I'm not sad because I know everything will be ok. I know this will all pay off and everything will eventually work out. And you are going to be ok."

You stare into my eyes and I flop down into your lap.

"We should get going. We sail at 10 and we still have to get down there and pass security."

I go to stand up but you grab my wrist. I sit back down next to you.

You don't say anything.

"What?"

"I'm going to miss you."

"I know I will too. But it's going to be ok. Like I said, you're going to be ok. We have internet on the boat. We can talk. And this first posting is only three weeks. I'll be back before you know it."

I stand up again and carry all my bags to the door. You come and stand next to me.

This is all staring to feel real. I feel scared for the first time in a while. I pull you close and bury my face in the crook of your neck. My emotions take over. You hold me tightly as I try to catch my breath.

I pull away from you and wipe my face.

"I'm ok."

You put your hands on my arms.

"You told me it's going to be ok. It will be. Come on, let's get going."

I throw my two kit bags over my shoulders and realising I can't carry more, you grab my two backpacks.

I stand on the other side of the front door, doing one final check that I have everything. I close door and for the final time walk out of the building, across the courtyard and out onto the street. I re-adjust my bags.

We walk quietly down the street to the main gate at the port.

"I'm pretty sure you can come in."

We walk through the gate. The dock stretches for at least 200 metres and at the end is HMAS HAMMERSLEY. It sits proudly.

I freeze for a second. You turn back to look at me. Do I still want this?

I take a breath and continue to walk. I feel my emotions flooding back but I swallow them. My bags bounce off my sides as we walk.

By now we are pretty much at the end of the dock. I stop again and look at you. I drop my bags and hug you. My arms wrapped tightly around you waist and you do the same. I bury my face in your neck again.

My tears fall in big heavy drops, soaking your t-shirt. My breath, my arms and my legs all shake.

I stand up straight in front of you and calm myself.

I pick up my bags and hold my arm out ready to carry the backpacks you held for me. You turn to me.

"Are you doing this for yourself or us or someone else?"

I take a deep breath.

"All for you."

I step forward and give you one final kiss. I turn away and slowly walk toward the boat. I remember to salute at the gangway, I drop my bags in my cabin and head up on deck. The boat pulls out and soon we are sailing.

Waves lap the side of the boat as we sail out into the endless blue.

I mutter to myself.

"All for you."