TØP TRASH

5 ; Cancer

I know TØP released their cover of "Cancer" by My Chemical Romance (*CRYING*) months ago, but I'm still not okay. There is literally a level of not okay that I had not surpassed until I heard that song.

My grandmother died in August of 2016 from a rare form of brain cancer. I literally watched it eat her away. I was in the room with her when she died.

And this song, this *shakes fist in dramatic motion* this heart wrenching, tear jerking, soul shaking, mind bending, hand shaking, gut tearing song, is the ONLY song that had helped me deal with her loss.

She was my mother's mother. She was the only grandparent I knew. I was her favorite grandchild, out of six grandkids and two great grandchildren.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about her, and not a day goes by that I don't wish I could see her one more time. And thank her for being such an incredible person. The person who no one had a bad thing to say about. The woman who everyone adored and loved.
And thank her for loving me as much as she did, as screwed up as I am. She loved me dearly, screws and all.
I'd also apologize to her for being so far away when she probably needed me the most. And I'd say a proper goodbye, because I'm haunted by the fact that I never told her Goodbye.
I'd thank her for showing unconditional love, that is so rare in this world we live in.

I'd tell her how much I love her, because I don't think I told her enough. But I know she knew I loved her. But I still should have taken every God given moment in all her dying dies to tell her this, and every day before.

And although I have to live without that beautiful person in my life, I have this song, (that's blasting thru my headphones at 4 am as I write this) and this song makes me feel a little less alone about losing her.

Cancer is a monster. It destroys lives in its wake.

It destroys the lives of people that don't deserve to die from such a horrible sickness. And it haunts and tortures the lives of those who get left behind. It makes us watch a human being be eaten away by something, that no matter how strong they are, seems to find unsurpassed joy in taking them away.

Don't get me wrong, I love MCR's version of "Cancer", and of course, all song credit goes to them. But TØP's version has touched me in a way that no song ever has.

Its touched and healed where I had sealed and been destroyed.

It makes me feel a little less alone.

And thanks, MCR, and TØP. Thanks for ripping out my soul with such a beautiful song, and for also healing me. You pull me together where no one else can.

STAY ALIVE |-/

-StayAliveBucky

Quote of the chapter:

"The hardest part of this,

Is leaving you."

(Cancer)