The Definition of Insanity

Tuesday, January 2017. 6:55pm.

"Insanity: The process of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." - Albert Einstein.

I'm no Albert Einstein. I'm currently 18 years old, dealing with depression (although I try and deny it as much as i possibly can to make me feel better and I blame it on the fact that every teenager goes through this phase.) I'm not happy in my relationship of four years and I cannot seem to move myself to breaking up with him because I don't want to push myself into further depression and cause suicidal thoughts because I don't think I'll be able to over come that. I have to deal with the fact that I have to take medication to function like every other human being since i was born with ADD. I have been told my whole life that I'm lazy and I have zero responsibility. This is true because I'd rather let mold grow on some Wendy's frys in my car than take the time to get off my ass and take it to the garbage bin. I'm ALWAYS late to work because I'd rather sleep in. On my days off I stay in bed, and watch tv while my entire room is completely covered in trash, worn, smelly clothes, old Mcdonalds food, and half empty soda cups. I even have a shit ton of fruit flies flying around because I let my moms plant die. She brought it into my room a couple weeks ago to have a little life in my room haha. I eat and sleep HORRIBLY. I'll stay up all night, until around 4am or 5am, then i'll sleep all day, until I'm forced to wake up for work. Then I'll take my meds so that I can function at work without feeling completely inadequate. I'm under preforming at work, now that I've gotten the promotion I so desperately wanted. I take showers every three days, sometimes a week at a time because i'm too lazy to deal with all of the shit that comes with it, also my drain is completely clogged with hair and I'm too lazy to clear that out. I don't brush my teeth everyday, because I'm too lazy; SHOCKER! I'm a mix of anti-social and outgoing. If i feel completely comfortable in the social situation then i'll go through with it, but if there's even a slight chance in my mind that it'll be awkward, then I'll make up an excuse to veto what ever social event ive agreed to go to. There is so much that i could go on about, and I will eventually, but I thought I'd get on with the whole point of this "book", I've wanted to write.

Everyday I go through the same shit, thinking tomorrow will be different. I believe that one day, I'll wake up and suddenly love myself, love my life, and be the owner of a multi-million dollar company regarding architecture.

It,
Won't,
Happen.

I won't wake up one day and love myself. Love my life. Own a multi-million dollar company. It won't happen... UNLESS I FUCKING PUSH MYSELF.

Unless I get off my ass, and throw those fries away. Unless I clean my damn room and sleep at a decent hour so I can wake up early to start my day. Unless I push myself to follow through with what I said I was going to do. Unless I move my life forward to finally achieve goals I've never thought I'd achieve.

Unless, I STOP FALLING INTO INSANITY.

My name is Rachel, and this is my journal where I'll be writing about how i'm going to change my life. I want you to follow me through my venture because I know it'll give me motivation to go through with this. I'm just so sick of being sick. I'm ready to make my life better.
Please ask questions or say anything you want! Thank you for going through this with me!