Here We Are Now

Chapter 5

Negan
"Negan?" I heard Dwight call from the door as he entered without permission. "What?" I looked up from my desk. I hadn't moved since last night. Half because I was too weak from grief. The other half because I was still hungover from my recent encounter with a bottle of whiskey. But despite my over indulgence, that didn't stop me from pouring myself another glass.

I just wanted it to stop hurting. The pain was so debilitating as is. My body felt hollow but my head heavy. I wanted to cry but there wasn't a tear left for me to shed. I feel like a big whiny baby. But without Ann...I'm nothing. I was destroyed when I lost her the first time, but that wasn't by my own doing. This time, I had driven her away because of my own fucking stupid actions.

I only lasted this long before because when I lost her, she took my humanity and my hope away. I shut down and survived. I started doing things I never dreamed of. But they all became easier the more I did it. So, I pitied myself and didn't think about the rest. It was the only way I didn't feel the pain. But now, I don't even have that. Everytime I think of killing someone, think about the way I used to be, I think of Ann.

And there's a twist in my stomach that won't let me hurt someone the way I could before. I just want her back. I'd do anything to have Ann in my arms again. Protect her and our unborn child. Think of baby names, set up a nursery. Hell, I'd even agree to letting the baby be raised at Alexandria. It's a better environment for a baby, anyways. I'd do whatever it takes for her and her...family. To let me be around. To raise my son or daughter. To watch it grow with Ann by my side. To do all the things we ever wanted to do before all of this fuckery. And I am not giving up.

I dismissed Dwight and got up from my chair and grabbed my jacket and keys. I didn't know what I was going to do when I get there. But I have to keep trying. For Ann, for our baby. I slung my jacket over my shoulders and walked over to my stereo system. Popping out the overplayed cd, I shut it inside the case and put it in my jacket pocket.

I took a deep breath and opened my bedroom door and walked out. I made my way down the hallway and out towards the lot for my truck. How can I make her believe I can change? How can I let her know she's safe with me?

I sped down the familiar road as I passed the trees. Nothing I could look at wouldn't remind me of Ann. Fuck, even the walkers reminded me of her kindness for any living being. Dead or not. I kept my eyes on the road and gripped the wheel. I knew she was going to turn me away, I knew I was gonna get crushed again. But I didn't care..I'm going to keep trying till I'm dead.

As I neared the gates, I popped the cd into the radio. I turned the song on and words began to pour from the speakers. "We're no strangers to love." The song I had danced with Ann to so many times now was blaring from the speakers. I didn't want to go all 80s teen love story, but if I'm willing to give up everything, I'm willing to be a cheesy cliché too.

"Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you." The song continued to play and I jumped out from the driver's seat and walked over to the gate.

"Hello?" I banged on the gate and soon the metal bars began to open. There stood mullet man. "Look, I just need to talk to Ann so don't give me any shit, haircut." I leant against the gate as my stomach warmed by the antisipactson of seeing Ann again.

"She's uh...she's not here." He began to stutter and stepped back. "I know she doesn't want to see me. But if I could just have a few words with her, I'll be on my merry way." I exaggerated the last part of my sentence and I could see his facial expression change. "What?" I raised my eyebrows.

"What I mean is, she's not here. She's at Hilltop."

"Why?" I tilted my head and he remained silent.

"Fucking answer me, haircut." I shouted. Growing a bit worried. "She needed to see the doctor." My heart dropped into my ass. "Why?!" He froze up and I didn't have time for this.

"Why the fuck did she need to see the doctor, dickbiter?" I grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled him into the gate. "There was an incident during a scavenging trip. She got shot." Suddenly, everything froze. I could feel the color drain from my face and I felt like my legs were about to give out. I let go of him and ran back to my truck and jumped in.

The ride to Hilltop was a daze as a I drove faster than I ever had before. My eyes were blurred with tears and my heart couldn't stop racing. "Please be alright...please be alight..."

"Please." I looked up into the sky, not sure if I was speaking in vain. "If you're there...please God...please let Ann and our baby be ok." I felt a tear slip and shook my head trying to focus on the road. I sped down the road hoping and praying. Please be alive.