My Heart Over My Head

CHAPTER TWELVE

-Sienna's POV-

As we watched the casket get lowered into the ground all I could feel was loss and guilt. My best friend was gone - we had been through so much together and now she was gone. All of this was my fault. If I hadn't fallen for Dylan, Ella would still be here - how the fuck did I let this happen. My beautiful vibrant friend was gone - somebody who was like a sister to me - someone who had been through so much with me was gone and it was all my fault. If I could swap places with her right now I would. How could I have ever let this happen. I hate myself right now - Ella is dead and it's all on me. My love for Dylan had killed one of my best friends and it made me feel like shit. Honestly all I wanted to do all the time was knock myself out with pills and sleep. If I didn't have to be here today I wouldn't - all of Ella's friends and family where grieving her death and it was all my fault. Ella's Aunty announces she is having a wake at her house so we head over for a drink - I wouldn't have gone but between Lilly, Dylan, Kale and I weren't getting out of anything.

I find myself drinking drink after drink.. Mum and dad try to talk to me but I'm not really in the mood - I just want to be left alone to drown my sorrows.. And my guilt. Dylan was trying to stay mostly out of my way I had hardly spoken to him and in all honesty I didn't want too his lifestyle had killed my friend and it was like he didn't even get that. It was my fault for getting involved with him but it was his for living the life he does. Seriously who has an open bar at a wake - what a stupid idea! I go from drinking vodka and orange juice to downing shot after shot of vodka. I sat at that bar ignored everyone around me and drank. Finally I was drunk I couldn't feel anymore and that felt good. I try to get off the stool but I'm a little wobbly and then walking was a challenge in itself. I stumble into the house and out the front door.
"Sienna wait." I hear but I just ignore it and walk out onto the street.
"Babe please stop." I keep walking further and further into the street.
Dylan catches up with me.
"Let's take you home."
"I want to walk."
"Okay but I'm coming with you."
Dylan follows me as I walk to the park that Ella and I had played at as kids I sit in the gazebo and light a joint. Finally the guilt filled voices in my head where gone - I like it like this I like it when I don't feel like the inner me is trying to kill the outer me.

"Do you need to talk?" Asks Dylan
"Dylan the way I feel about you - it killed Ella." I reply "I killed Ella - my love for you killed her."
"Si, they killed Ella not any of us."
"If I hadn't have fallen In Love with you they would have never been able to kill her."
"Si, when we went away I told you who I was I told you the life I led but you stuck around."
"And now I'm regretting it."
Dylan just sits there in silence and we don't speak another word. We head home and Dylan leaves I take a few pills and head to bed. I sleep and sleep and when I finally wake up I realize its 2pm the next day. Dylan wasn't there and he had left no messages on my phone but in all honesty I couldn't care less. I look around and notice that my room looks pretty messy so I get out of bed and start to tidy it. Then I hear a knock on my bedroom door.
"Who is it?" I ask
"Lilly."
"Come in."
Lilly comes in and sits down on the bed,
"How are you."
"Annoyed - this room is a mess."
"What's going on with you and Dylan?"
"I don't know and I really don't care Lily I want him out of my life - if it wasn't for him Ella would still be here - if I hadn't have met him everything would be different."
"For fuck sake Si, its not all his fault yes this life is fucked but he didn't get Ella killed! Ella was in love with Kale is it his fault? The only people you are blaming are Dylan and yourself! And neither of you made this happen - The Scorpions killed Ella!! Stop blaming everyone else!" Lilly says aggressively
"I got involved in Dylan's world and I didn't think of the consequences." I say bursting into tears.
"Si, seriously stop blaming yourself and stop taking it out on Dylan lean on him stop pushing him away."
"I don't know what to do."
"Come on get dressed we are going out and having some girl time and then tomorrow you need to figure out what you want to do with Dylan."
"Okay"

Lilly and I head out shopping - I decide to buy new sheets, comforter set, candles, clothes, towels and all sorts of things - retail therapy is at least making me feel a little better. We grab some food for the two of us and Kale and head home. Kale had hardly left the couch - and really I don't blame him if it wasn't for Lilly I wouldn't be out of my room. Kale didn't eat and I hardly touched my food but as soon as I was finished I went into my room and started putting all my new stuff in and taking out a lot of the old. I looked at the two photos on my night stands - the birthday photo of Lilly, Kale, Dylan and I when we where all little and a recent photo of Dylan and I. I picked the recent photo up and looked at it - we look so happy so much had happened before this photo but I still look so in love and happy and I was but since Ella died I didn't feel like that anymore. I couldn't believe how I had let this happen - people can tell me as much as they want that it wasn't my fault but in my heart I knew the love I had for Dylan killed Ella.

I remember the psychic telling me to follow my heart - well right now my heart was telling me that it was aching for my best friend - the girl I loved like a sister - the one who had been with me through thick and thin for most of my life. How did I let this happen? How could have I been so stupid? Ella had been one of my biggest supporters for so long and how did I repay her? I got her killed! At the moment the last thing I wanted to do was talk to Dylan let alone see him. Seeing his face reminded me of how much I love him and that hurt because that love that I will probably always feel was the reason my best friend was buried yesterday. I continue to change my room around I move things and change things. The weeks went on and I didn't hear or see Dylan and not having the constant reminders made grieving easier.

It had been 6 weeks since the funeral and I was sitting in my room watching TV - there is a knock at my door.
"Yeah?"
Lilly walks in and smiles at me "get dressed we're going out."
"Okay." I smile "where?"
"To a club!"
"Which one?"
"Ummm diamond lounge...."
"But..."
"Dylan's not working and I get free drinks."
"I suppose but if he turns up...."
"We'll leave straight away."
"Okay."
I get up off the bed and pull on a pretty dress fix my hair and makeup and put some high heels on. I walk out into the lounge room and lily was ready and waiting.
"You look beautiful." She smiles
We organize an uber and wait for it to pick us up - my plan tonight was to get drunk - so drunk I couldn't remember anything. We head to the club and when we get there we are let in straight away the music is pumping and we start off with a five shots each and then grab a cocktail each which we both drink in seconds. Then we decide to dance and between dances we have more shots and cocktails.
"I need a ciggie." I smile at Lilly
"You head out there and I'll meet you in a minute just gotta go to the toilet and I'll grab some more drinks."
"Okay." I smile
I head out to the courtyard and light my ciggie up.
"What's a pretty girl like you doing here on your own?" A guy asks I look up at him and his really cute. Tall with dark hair not as many tattoos as Dylan but the same smirk Dylan has all the time.
"I'm not I'm here with a friend." I smile
"Damn you have a boyfriend?"
"No just my best friend that's all."
"Can I buy you a drink?"
"Yeah sure." I smile don't get me wrong this guy is hot but his not Dylan but maybe this was the first step of me moving on and getting away from all the shit that's happened recently.
"Come on let's go to the bar." He smiles "I'm Jay by the way."
"I'm Sienna." I reply
"Nice to meet you."

Jay and I walk to the bar and he buys me a couple of shots and a cocktail.
"I've been looking for you everywhere Si." I hear Lilly but in.
"I was outside but came in for a drink."
Lilly then realises I'm standing with a guy.
"Who's this?" She asks
"Jay" I smile "Jay this is my housemate Lilly."
"Nice to meet you." He smiles
"You too." She replies "I'm just going to go and have a ciggie I'll be back."
"Okay." I smile
After Jay and I have quite a few drinks we get out on the dance floor and dance together. I felt bad this was my ex fiancée's club and I was dancing with someone else but to be honest he wasn't here so what did it matter. He hadn't even bothered to try and contact me since the funeral so in all honesty he'd probably moved on anyway with someone else so now it was my turn. Jay pulled me close.
"Your beautiful." He smiles
"Thanks" I blush
To be honest I'd missed this - I'd missed feeling close to Dylan I know this isn't Dylan but at the end of the day I'm that drunk I don't really care. I feel a tap on my shoulder and I spin around Lilly is standing there.
"Come out for a ciggie with me." She smiles
"Okay" I turn and smile at Jay "I'll be back."
I start to walk towards the courtyard.
"No this way." Says Lily and we start to walk over to the staff smoking area "it's quieter."
As soon as we get outside I see him standing by the edge of the balcony he turns and looks at me. He looked sad but like Dylan always did - in all honesty I wanted to run over to him and throw myself into his arms.
"Lilly said you weren't going to be here?"
"I wasn't supposed to be but she called me when she saw you with that new guy and said if I wanted to save us to do it now."
"It's not that simple Dylan."
"Do you still love me?"
"I always will." I reply "but I can't live that lifestyle anymore - I can't witness anyone else being killed."
"I can't promise that Si but what I can promise is I will protect you - I love you and all I want is you. I can't leave this life - I was born into it but I wish I could for you - if it was possible I would."
"I don't know if we can ever be together again Dylan." I frown "too much has happened and it's just too hard."
"Just think about it."

I walk out of the smoking area and back inside the club - my night had had a really sour turn now - it made me think and I don't want to think I just want to forget everything so it stops hurting. I go to the bar and get myself 5 shots and down them one at a time and then I ordered more - I downed shot after shot chasing it with a cocktail. I wanted to feel numb and getting as drunk as possible was the only way this was going to happen.
"Hey, I thought you'd left." I hear a voice behind me and realize it's Jay.
"I just had to sort some stuff out and really needed a drink or 12 afterwards."
After seeing Dylan I had remembered how I felt and I realized that I couldn't stop the feelings I had for him but I could try and hide them even if it is hard and takes copious amounts of alcohol.
"Si, do you want another drink?"
"The same for me and whatever he wants." I say pointing at Jay
I have five more shots I this time I feel fucking smashed... I try to get up from the bar stool but stumble and fall back onto the stool.
"Should we organize you a ride home you look pretty gone."
"I'm fine." I reply "but okay."
Jay helps me off the stool and we start to walk towards the exit but I keep falling over - Jay keeps helping me get up every time I fall.
"Your not leaving here with her." I hear a voice say to Jay
"Man she needs to go home."
"And I'll take her there - you need to get off her and leave."
"Sienna do you know him?" Jay asks
I look up and spot Dylan.
"Yeah I know Dylan" I smile
Dylan scoops me up and takes me to his office and lays me on the couch. I don't remember anything after that I guess I passed out.

When I wake up I realize I'm in Kale's old room (that he hardly ever used) at Dylan's. Great how the fuck did I end up here why couldn't he just have taken me home. Now I have to face him feeling so fucking hungover and disgusting. I realize I'm in one of his shirts - great he got me changed too! Where is Lilly and why the fuck didn't she stop this!! I lay in bed for a while contemplating what the hell to do - if it was possible to jump through a window without killing myself... I so would!! In the end I put on my brave face and on and head out of the bedroom and downstairs I couldn't see Dylan and notice the balcony door is shut so I grabbed my ciggies and head out for One I'm relieved he wasn't out there either - I didn't want to face him - I didn't even know what to say I love him more than anything - I like that I'm here but things are so fucked up right now. All I know is my heads throbbing and I feel so dehydrated. I'm so tempted to go to Dylan's little box and get a joint but I hold back - his not my boyfriend anymore I can't do that sort of thing. Fuck I'll just have one he'll never know. I go over and pull one out and light it up - it feels so good my head stops throbbing and I slowly puff on the joint, trying to think of what I'll do when I see Dylan fuck I'm in his house I won't be able to avoid him.. And I can't exactly run out in an oversized t-shirt I don't even know where my clothes are. I got back inside and head to the kitchen to get a cold drink - I needed fluid ASAP - then I lay on the couch.

"Your awake already." Dylan says coming out of his room as I'm flicking through TV channels.
"I've been awake for ages."
"I didn't think you'd hang around."
"I couldn't exactly leave wearing nothing but your t-shirt."
He comes over and sits next to me.
"I never thought I'd see you again in my apartment."
"You wouldn't have if you didn't kidnap me." I say seriously and then turn to him and smirk.
"I wouldn't have to kidnap you if you didn't get blind drunk and try to leave with some random guy."
"I'm glad." I say - I could have smacked myself in the head it was basically word vomit - it's how I felt but he shouldn't know that - I didn't want him to know that.
"You are?"
"I guess." I reply "I've missed.... Misty."
"That'd be right you always liked her more than me." He smirks at me
He puts his hand on my leg - I seriously got butterflies from it arghh why did he have to do this - not having him around made it easy to hate him but face to face I just can't hide the fact that I still love him so much. Fuck my life!
"Dylan I can't." I say pushing his hand off me and I get up and head outside - if I let myself be with Dylan again I would be betraying Ella - I couldn't be in love with the man that basically got her killed. I walk over and get another joint and light it up - fuck it his causing me stress he can supply the weed. He doesn't come out I look through the doors and his still sitting on the couch. I just want everything to go back to kind of how it was - I wanted Dylan back and Ella and I want the scorpions to never exist. I head back inside in my own little world and then bam - I run into Dylan - literally. Dylan looks down at me and smiles and without even thinking I lean up and kiss him - ughhh I need to learn to have more self restraint. The kiss is passionate and lasts for ages the butterflies circulate in my stomach. I wanted to push him away but I didn't this felt way too good. After a while he pulls away from me.
"Let's order some food - you need to eat." He smiles

Dylan orders us some food and we sit on the couch and eat. I feel so much better after food and some liquid. I knew I should get up get dressed and leave but something was making me stay - I didn't want to be away from him again - I hated being away from him - I wanted to hate him I wanted to have a reason to never see him again but I didn't have one. Ella was my best friend and my sister - but Dylan was the love of my life and he didn't cut those breaks all he ever did was save me. Rationality flooded in I hadn't let it but Dylan had finally broken it. Ella was Kale's girlfriend and he didn't hate Dylan - so why should I. Once we finish eating I lay my head down onto Dylan's shoulder - he wraps his arms around me and we just sit there. After a while I bring my head up and kiss him again - he kisses me back it feels amazing I never thought I would kiss him again. We kiss for ages and before I know it his scooping me into his arms and takes me into his bedroom. He lays me on the bed and leans over me still kissing me - I pull his shirt off.
"Are you sure?" He whispers
"I couldn't be more sure." I smile
Being this close with Dylan again feels amazing. We lay together in bed all day making love every so often and just enjoy each other. I cannot believe how amazing this feels - I always thought that if it ever got to this point I would feel guilty as ever but I don't I feel happy and close to him. I love it. We lay in bed facing each other Dylan runs his hands through my hair.

"I love you." I tell him

"I love you too beautiful." He smiles

"I never thought we would be like this again."

"Me either but I hoped for it."

I feel like the day has flown by when I look outside and realize the sun has gone down. Dylan goes and orders some dinner and I pick up my phone I notice a couple of missed calls from Lilly so I give her a quick call back.

"Si!! What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Are you still at Dylan's?"

"Yeah."

"So?"

"So what?" I laugh

"Are you back together."

"We'll see...."

"I'll take it as a yes... So will you be home tonight?"

"Nar, I don't think so."

"That's so a yes!!"

"I'll see you tomorrow..." I smirk and hang up.

I pull on one of Dylan's shirts and wander out to the balcony and light a joint. I sit and smoke looking out over the balcony staring into nothing, when it's done I have another. Dylan brings out our dinner when it arrives and I'm glad it's here because right now it's much needed.

"So are you going home tonight?" asks Dylan after we finish dinner.

"Do you want me to?"
"Of course not." He smiles

"Then I guess I'm staying."

Dylan and I sit in front of the TV and watch a movie it was nice I don't remember the last time Dylan and I hung out like this with not a care in the world – I know at any moment this could change but right now it was perfect and spending time with him like this is perfect too. I cannot believe how in love I feel right now – with everything that has happened I thought it would be impossible for me to feel like this again – but I do and it feels amazing. Dylan wraps his arms around me as we sit on the couch – seriously he made me feel safe – I know he comes with a lot of danger but he makes me feel safer than I've ever felt. I could feel how much he cared just in how he holds me and it makes me want him more.. I could have never left him if I hadn't have cut him out of my life because I knew I wouldn't be able to hate him face to face.