Strands of Blue

Chapter 8: Love and Hate

Jeremy and El left for lunch while Beau and I were still at the house. I went upstairs to clean up and change into some different clothes. While I was upstairs, I thought about what had happened earlier that morning. I remembered that Beau had given me those pills. I suddenly started to feel uncomfortable. I walked down stairs and saw Beau looking at random stuff on his phone.

"Beau." I called, "The clonidine... You used that for panic attacks?" I asked. Beau sighed.

"Yes, I used to get panic attacks all the time. I promise I'm not using," he said in a firm tone.

"I know... I just feel uncomfortable and I wanted to make sure," I replied. He turned to me with a blank expression.

"If you're uncomfortable, you can talk to me about it," he said sympathetically. I'd wanted to talk to him about it ever since we became friends again, but I was afraid of losing him.

"Do you remember what happened that night?" I asked. I started to get nervous. Beau froze for a moment.

"I remember everything, yes. I remember getting drunk, taking a multitude of pills, and forcing drugs and myself upon you. I think about it all the time. I think about how many times I could say sorry in so many different languages and it still not being ok. What I did to you is unforgiving, no matter how many times I say that I'm sorry," Beau said. I didn't know what to do.

"I didn't think you thought about that much. I thought maybe everything was ok ever since we started talking again," I said. Beau shook his head.

"I think about it all the time," he replied. After that it was awkwardly silent. I was scared to say anything at all.

Mom and Dad returned from their errands.

"Hey! How are you, Beau?" Mom asked. Beau gave her a thumbs up and smiled. Which isn't like him. I can tell he's uncomfortable.

"Is El home?" Dad asked, looking around.

"No, she's out with Jeremy." I said. Dad nodded and walked into his office space. Little did he know that Jeremy is our half-brother and his son.

"Well, when she gets home, tell her we need to have a family discussion." Mom says. I looked at Beau and saw he was staring off into space.

"Are you ok?" I whispered. Beau looked vacant, he wasn't fully there.

"I have to go, Al." he said. He grabbed his keys, said his goodbyes to my parents, and walked out.

"Wait!" I yelled, running outside. "Beau, answer my question." Beau sighed and looked at the sky.

"Al, I thought I could handle talking to you about it, but I can't. It's terrible what I did and I don't want to continue to talk about it," Beau said, turning around. I grabbed his arm and pulled him toward me.

"Stop. You're my best friend and I've wanted to talk to you about it for a while now. Yes, it really hurt our relationship, but there were good things about that night too." I said. Beau looked straight into my eyes.

"You were the best thing about that night. You were so beautiful. You are beautiful. That night was great because I had my best friend by my side. When we were dancing together, I slowly started to fall in love with you. I'm still in love with you. I love you Alex." Beau said, pacing back and forth. His voice was full of emotion. I didn't know what to say. I don't think there was anything I could've said. I grabbed his face and kissed him. It sent shivers down my spine. Did I seriously just do that? I thought to myself. I didn't stop, I just went with it because it felt right. I stopped and looked into his hazel eyes.