Chapter 9
November was a pretty busy month for us. We had to start preparing for mid-terms, the community was also planning thanksgiving, and I knew my birthday was soon after that. Though I really wasn’t giving it much thought. I really kept thinking about thanksgiving, I had so much to be thankful for. Coming here, having friends, meeting Andrew, my whole life had changed moving here and I was thankful for that. First, before all of that though I had to study for my mid-terms. Having three AP classes that had mid-terms was not a good thing. Oh and I had to talk to the counselor about college. My teachers wanted me to think about it so I could apply early with a better shot of getting in before the New Year. I hadn’t even looked into any schools yet. I wasn’t even sure what major I wanted to pursue. I knew I wasn’t going undeclared or Liberal arts, unless what I wanted was under it because those majors sucked. You had to take basic classes for four years and they really didn’t get you anywhere.
Seeing Andrew coming out of the school Library as I left my locker I ran up to him hoping we could talk.
“Hey, are we actually going to walk back to our room together?”
“Oh ha-ha. I really want to talk to you about something.” Stopping he faced me with a look of worry on his face.
“What is it? Is everything okay?”
“Yea, basically, it’s just. I need to think about colleges and I don’t know of any really. Do you have any idea about where you’ll be going?”
His face relaxed seeing this wasn’t something serious. Well at least not in his mind.
“Cindy heard of this school in Nevada, designed for directing, she said their acting program is supposed to be really good too. She wants me to go there. But I don’t know if I want to do college.”
“Oh.”
“Why? What were your plans?”
“I don’t know. I have no idea what I want to major in. My counselor said I was really good at math since my grades have stayed in high ninety’s even before I came here but then where do I go, what do I major in. Math has branches I could take.” I was also scared of losing Andrew. Not saying we would split and I did have faith in long distance relationships but we could be thousands of miles from each other, I could hardly ever see him.
“You are really good at math, though I don’t see you teaching. Maybe business? I could see that for you. I bet if you talk to my father he could help you with names of some great schools. With your grades you could get in anywhere easily.” He put his arm around me and pulled me close. “No matter what you decide I’ll support you. If we are apart I have faith nothing will change between us.”
“I’m not worried about that. It’s just. For once in my life I have no idea what I should do, no plan to go off of. I feel so lost.” Andrew pulled me tighter to his body, his arms around me as best he could with my backpack off my shoulder. “Why didn’t you tell me about this?”
“Because I, it’s something I have to deal with.” Pulling away I fixed my backpack and forced a smile on my face, “I have to go study. I’ll see you at dinner.” Turning away I walked out of the school and into the community’s library for no other reason than it had private sections I could use. I really just needed to be alone.
I didn’t get much studying done. My anxiety was too high to concentrate. I kept thinking about how I had no idea what I should do. Before coming here my life was dictated by my parents. What to do for after school activities, what my future was like, who I should be with. It was safer that way. I could handle it better and I wasn’t making some horrible mistake with my life. I could feel my body start to shake; my hands could barely hold a pencil anymore. Feeling my eyes start to water I quickly shoved everything into my bag and ran out of the library. I needed to move, I needed to get my body to stop. Coming across the convenient store between the actual housing and the main building I went inside to get a bottle of water. That may help calm me down. Grabbing a cold bottle I went up to the counter to pay and saw a pair of scissors behind the clerk. They were designed for trimming hair, but I bet they were sharp. What was I saying? No, I couldn’t do that. This had to stop. I had to get this under control. Pulling my wallet out I saw old razor replacements. I hadn’t seen them in a store before. I thought they had been taken off the market since they were deemed dangerous and companies had the new ones with guards. Grabbing a pack I threw that next to my bottle and paid for both. Leaving I chugged the water and went behind a building to look at the blades. They were no bigger than those in a box cutter. Shoving one in my pocket I threw the rest in my backpack. The water seemed to help calm me down and I really didn’t want to cut. I wanted to stay strong. I didn’t want to take steps back.
