Nevermore

Dedicated to Dark-Shadow for the amazing cover <3

 My name is Adrian. My hopes and dreams for the future? What future? My dreams were crushed when I'd been diagnosed with Leukemia. It seems I've barely gotten to live and here I was prepared to die, never knowing when, only waiting. Waiting for the inevitable.

Let me start over. My name is Adrian, and I have been recently diagnosed with cancer. My favorite color is blue. Blue like when the sun has set and the earth is dimly lit before it's swallowed by complete and utter darkness. That beautiful shade that is neither too dark, nor too light. When I see this color, or when I look at the sky while it's in this state, I get carried off into a different world. One that isn't reality. One where everything is perfect. It's a pretty color that resembles the world of my dreams, though I have absolutely no idea why.

When you find out you're probably not going to have very much time left to live, you start seeing the world in a different light. All the things you never appreciated before, you suddenly realize you're going to really miss. What's up there anyways? Will I go to heaven? Or will I be swallowed up by the flames of Hell? I'll never know what happens when I die until there's no turning back. I'll never be able to grow old and have grandchildren like everyone else. I'll never be able to get my life back....

I love her. I'll never have her. I always had these little fantasies of mine where one day, I'd ask her and she'd be mine and I'd get my happily ever after. That's impossible now. I probably won't live that long. Who would want to love someone they were going to lose anyway? Even if I lived long enough to have a relationship, then what? Cause her pain once I've left? My life is already spiraling downwards. I shouldn't ruin hers by getting involved in it.

And there are so many things that I will never get to do. Will I even get to go to prom? Will I get to take that trip to England? I've always dreamed of going there. I was going to go after graduation. Now, I don't know if I'll even graduate. Will I get to bungee jump or even get my license? I had plans. I wanted to go to university. I wanted to study Computer Science. I also wanted to write. I wanted a lot of things, but I don't think any of it will ever happen.

I keep thinking about what it'll be like. What I'll be like in the future of all this. I used to hate when people called me 'Blondie.' It was so girly. But what happens when I lose all my hair? Will people stop calling me that? I don't want to lose my hair. I would rather be called Blondie.

Soon, everything I once had will be gone. I will be gone. Nevermore will I be able to love. Nevermore will I be able to feel. Nevermore will I be able to gaze at the deep blue sky--to dream. Nevermore will I be able to live.

So tell me... what do I do?