Ever Changing

06

        Without a word, Mark pulls away from Jackson's embrace, pushing the younger so there can be some room between them. Jackson is reluctant and it's like his body is protesting, wanting to be wrapped in Mark's warmth again but he doesn't step forward. Instead, the younger keeps his eyes downcast, his heart beating wildly because he can't look in Mark's eyes when he doesn't know what to say, how to feel or what to do now.

The younger feels Mark's eyes on him, intent and heavy, and it's quite nerve-wracking, it makes Jackson's skin crawl again, as if Mark's fingers were running all over Jackson's skin. It's most disconcerting.

"You still won't tell me why," Mark mutters and it's not a question. Jackson feels the older's stare on him, coaxing him to look back at him, but Jackson fights that call and continues staring at his feet. "Don't avoid me, Jackson."

The vulnerability in Mark's voice and plea make Jackson's feel weak, his chest constricts and the lump in his throats grows tighter and larger, making it hard for the younger to breathe. Finally, he looks up and meets Mark's dark eyes that are consumed by grief and resignation.

Stronger than guilt, Jackson feels worry and some unsettling desperation at Mark's expression. There's this crazy impulse in his guts pushing him to comfort Mark, to make that hurt look disappear. The older has never looked at Jackson like this, like he's about to shatter. Mark always looked fierce, strong and ready to hit whatever ball Jackson threw at him. Mark never looked scared or nervous in front of Jackson and that look is doing all sort of things to Jackson.

"I'm sure this doesn't mean anything to you," Mark continues, holding Jackson's gaze. "And I guess I'm grateful that you aren't grossed out or punched me for this." There's a sad and humourless chuckle from Mark's lips when he looks down, breaking the eye contact. "Just don't ignore me. It's better if we pretend nothing of this happened. I know we're not friends but... just don't ignore me."

Jackson never imagined how much he was hurting Mark with his avoidance, but now, hearing the older asking so many times for Jackson not to ignore him is only proof that indeed the younger deeply hurt the older with his actions. So now the remorse is back full force and Jackson feels out of breath. Instinctively, he takes a step forward, but Mark leans back, bumping against the wall and with that stopping him. Now all he has left is wrapping his own arms around himself in a self-protective manner.

Mark bites his lips together before taking one last look at Jackson and this is a look the younger will never forget because it strikes him and wounds him too deeply. Seeing Mark with such sadness in his dark eyes, the most broken smile when he looks at Jackson and tilts his head in a weak bow before turning around and heading for the door. The younger stays where he is standing, staring at the place where Mark was just seconds before, as if he couldn't understand what just happened.

Well, Jackson doesn't understand.

Moreover, Jackson's own emotions are so chaotic he can't even being to sort them out. The confusion clouds his mind and it's hard picking apart the guilt from the other ones. And it's not only that, because his body now longs for something, a warmth and strength it only lasted briefly. He feels cold and empty somehow, as if there's too much room for himself and he doesn't know what to do with that.

Overcome with the strength of his own emotions, Jackson sinks in a crouch, his arms wrapping around his own head, burying himself, letting hell break loose. The poor boy has no clue what to make out of what just happened, he can barely think about the fact Mark and he made out because he's tormented with the older's hurt expression. A part of his brain suggests Mark has feelings, romantic feelings for Jackson, but his rational side says it cannot be possible, why would he when Jackson has been the most gigantic arse out there? Yet, the possibility is there and the younger never imagined how that could make his heart race even faster and harder.