phil; three weeks later
he passes slowly.
at first, it doesn't hurt like i thought i would. but then, i'd remember that i can't call him or hear his laugh anymore. our jokes won't ever be told again, and then the tears come fast and hard.
dan tries. he really does. he helps my mum with the planning and takes care of me when i forget to shower and eat. he also got the job at.. i cant remember what it's called. so he's paying our bills for now.
today's the day of the showing. people that knew him from up north come, even some people from america. i try my hardest to pay attention and smile as people give me their condolences but sometimes i just tune them out and sit. my mum is busy flitting about, making sure everyone else is alright. dan stays next to me the whole time, his hand in mine.
time slides together and before i know it, dan's shaking my shoulder gently to tell me it's time to go.
"c'mon, we're gonna go home. get some rest for.. tomorrow." he smiles encouragingly, and for a moment, i actually believe him. but then it's gone as soon as it came.
i absentmindedly hug and kiss my mum goodbye and follow dan to the car. he immediately takes the drivers seat, starting the car while i fumble with the radio. all the songs seem stupid and shallow compared to what's happened. i can't enjoy anything anymore.
dan let's me sulk in the passenge seat. i feel bad abandoning him, but i can't draw myself out of my sadness, my grief, my despair.
now, my father and i weren't exactly best friends. he was the one that had a little bit of a hard time accepting me as gay, but he quickly got over it and all was well. he never had to fake it, he was genuinely okay with it after the shock was over. he never pressured me to play football as a kid, but he always wanted me to do well in school. he was always a little disappointed when i didn't want to be a doctor or a lawyer. my decision to move to manchester left him confused, and i don't think i ever really explained why i left.
"phil? come on, let's go inside." dan's gentle voice shakes me from my thoughts again.
we go inside and while dan takes a shower, i change and climb into bed, not waiting up for him. i'm too exhausted to care.
author's note:
this sucks why're you still reading omg but thank youuu x
