ignite // phan

a•me•li•or•ate

əˈmiːlɪəreɪt/
verb
make (something bad or unsatisfactory) better

"You weak piece of shit. You were so close. You almost did it. You almost did the world a favour." The voices tormented him.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I know I was close. I know I'm weak. I'm sorry." Dan sobbed, completely unaware that the argument that he was having with himself was in fact, out loud.

"Dan, hey, it's okay. I'm here." Phil responded, still holding Dan tightly against his chest.

"Please stop! I said I'm sorry!" Dan yelled, tears soaking Phil's shirt.

"Hey, Dan. Shh. It's okay."

Dan opened his bloodshot eyes to look up at Phil.

"Listen to me Dan. I'm here, you're okay. Please just tell me what happened."

"You're not really gonna tell him are you? You're so pathetic! Don't you know you're supposed to hide your emotions? Unbelievable."

"Let's go back to my apartment. It's too cold outside, come on." Phil suggested, standing up and pulling Dan to his feet.

"But, m-my car." Dan stammered, struggling to stay standing.

"Don't worry, we'll get your car tomorrow. For now, we need to get you warm."

The car ride home mostly consisted of Phil checking if Dan was okay, and Dan trying to block out the voices in his head.

Dan was still in shock. He was confused. He was unsure of what was his imagination and what was reality. He saw things that he was unable to describe. And Phil was still completely unaware of what was going on. Was Dan really going to tell Phil about everything? He wasn't sure. He was so tired. He couldn't be bothered. He didn't know where to start anyway. He couldn't tell him that he was gay. Phil would treat him the same way everyone else did. He would be disgusted. He would wish that he didn't save Dan's life. He would wish he'd pushed him further.

"Dan?" Phil interrupted his train of thought.

"Huh?" Dan responded, still not able to grasp onto reality.

"I asked if you wanted to talk about it?"

"Um, I don't know. I'm kind of tired..."

"That's okay, do you wanna talk about it in the morning? You can stay at mine if you like?"

"Uh- yeah, sure." Dan said hesitantly.

Dan was still confused. Phil lead him to his front door, still supporting his weight completely. Phil fumbled with his keys before finally unlocking the door, allowing them to enter.

"You can go lay down if you like, you look exhausted."

"Um- yeah, okay." Dan's head was still pounding. He could hardly move. He was still shaking. He felt sick. And he needed to lay down.

"My room's down the hall to the left. I only have one room... Sorry. Do you mind if we-" Phil sounded apologetic and he hesitated when he spoke.

"Yeah, that's fine. Do you have a shirt or something I could borrow?"

"Yeah, just find something in my drawer. We're about the same size."

"Okay, thanks Phil."

"No worries. You sure you don't wanna talk about it tonight?"

"Yeah, I think I just need to get some sleep. I'll tell you everything in the morning."

"Okay, goodnight."

"Night"

Dan then proceeded to follow Phil's directions down the hall to his room. The room was filled with brightly coloured posters and the scent of vanilla and cinnamon filled the air. He noticed the dresser Phil was talking about and decided that he should probably find a shirt to wear so he could finally lay down.

He rummaged through Phil's range of brightly coloured shirts, hoping to find something that was a little more his style. He came across a plain black shirt that looked around his size. As he stripped down to his boxers, he heard the door click open behind him.

"Oh my god, Dan, sorry! I didn't realise-" Phil said, looking away and covering his eyes.

"Oh... Uh- that's okay. Um... Is-is this shirt-uh- okay?" Dan asked holding the shirt up for Phil to see.

"Yeah, that's fine...Uh- sorry- I'll let you get changed." Phil said, awkwardly before turning and practically running out of the room.

"You stupid idiot. Now he's seen your disgusting body. How could you be gullible? Phil's only letting you stay because he knows how desperate you are to tell someone about your petty problems. He knows there's something wrong with you."

The voices were back.

Again.

"Please, just let me sleep, I'm exhausted. Tomorrow, I'll leave. I can't drag Phil down with me anymore than I already have. So I'll leave." Dan responded calmly. He was to tired to argue with himself right now, so he tried his best to ignore the constant yelling in his mind.

"Good, Phil doesn't deserve to have someone as brainless as you. He's a good guy. You're not. So it's a good thing you're leaving."

"I know." Dan said quietly, slipping into the t-shirt, then into Phil's bed.

He felt so worthless. So stupid. He knew that Phil didn't actually like him. No one ever did. Yet, he still remained hopeful. That maybe, for once someone was looking out for him. That someone actually gave a shit about him.

The door clicked open again, so Dan shut his eyes in an attempt to pretend to be asleep.

"Dan?" Phil whispered. "Are you awake?"

Dan ignored him. He wasn't exactly in the right state to be talking to anyone.

There was something about Phil that made Dan feel comforted. Maybe it was how he talked in the soft tone that he did. Or the smell of vanilla that followed him. Or maybe even the fact that he saved Dan's life. Maybe Phil did care. But the voices that were taunting him made that very hard to believe.

While Dan was busy, lost in his thoughts, Phil had already changed and climbed into bed next to him.

They were extremely close now. Dan could feel Phil's breath on his face. He could smell his familiar scent. But as far as Phil knew, Dan was asleep, and unaware that he was admiring him.

So it didn't matter.

Or though he thought.

Because the moment he thought of this, Phil's warm lips were pressed against his own.