"Pippa, I don't know how much longer we can keep stalling." Vanessa's running her fingers through her hair in frustration, and I shift uncomfortably in my seat.
"I know, I know. She's getting better, I think..."
"But she still won't talk. It's been 4 days, Pippa. CPS is gonna get suspicious if we keep pushing back your home visit. I'm trying to help you cover the Steven thing up, but they've gotta come talk to her soon." I take a sip of my latte, trying to distract myself from the fear building in my chest.
"I know. And thank you, for everything you're doing." Vanessa sighs, and places her hand on mine from across the table.
"I'm not mad, please don't think that. Cami belongs with you; that's clear. We just need to make sure her social worker can see that." Her eyes soften a little, and she cocks her head.
"Are you okay? I know this can't be easy for you."
"I am, really. I'm actually just talked to a psychologist, about...everything. And I think that's good." I wasn't lying, the name on the business card Renée had pressed into my hand had proved useful. I had finally admitted all the guilt I felt about everything Cami has been going through, and it was nice to get an objective third party opinion on things.
Therapy had not been as successful for Cami. I'd gotten her into the office with extensive cajoling and the promise that I'd been there the whole time. However, any hopes I'd had of a breakthrough were crushed as she sat silent on the couch, her hand gripping mine tightly. Sarah the psychologist, was for all purposes ignored, and pulled me aside as Cam walked back into the waiting room.
"The only advice I can give you right now is don't pressure her to talk. She clearly trusts you, and she'll open up when she's ready. Bring her back when she's willing to talk a little, but for right now she needs to be with you and know she's safe. There's a lot of anxiety there, but I can tell you help with that." I'd shaken her hand and headed back out to find Cam, assuring her that she'd done great and everything was okay the whole way home.
"I'll be in the audience tonight, can't wait to see you!" Vanessa swept me into a hug before bustling out of the Starbucks, probably off to do something legal and important.
I headed for Sam's apartment, where I'd dropped Cam off that morning. (a/n I know Sam's in Chicago but I love her so FIGHT ME) I'm relieved she's gotten over her fear of leaving the apartment, because God knows I still have mine about leaving her alone. She came to the theatre for my first show back last night, and things felt fairly normal, though the boys did their fair share of tiptoeing around after I gave them the cliff-notes version of what had happened.
Sam opens the door when I knock, her hair strung up in some intricate updo that I'm sure is Cami's doing.
"It's just weird," Sam replies when I ask how their morning was. "She seems completely normal, she just won't talk." I nod as Sam voices what we've all been thinking.
"I think she's so afraid of losing control that she's completely internalized everything. She's taken bottling up your feelings to a new extreme." I stop talking quickly as Cam pokes her head around the corner, a smile spreading across her face as she sees me. She comes over quickly and tucks herself into my embrace, nestling her head into my shoulder.
"Cuties," Sam notes. "Cam, you gonna tell Pippa what a holy terror you were, or should I?" She's teasing, and Cami rolls her eyes and smoothly flips Sam off, which makes her cry with laughter.
"Don't encourage her, Pollino." I'm trying to be serious, but Cam is laughing and if that's what takes, then that's what it takes. I glance back at Sam, trying to be surreptitious, and mouth "did she eat?" Sam's face drops a little, and she shakes her head imperceptibly in response, holding her fingers a centimeter apart and returning my disappointed glance with "a little." I shouldn't be disappointed about this; I knew there weren't going to be any major breakthroughs in the 4 hours I'd been away. Nevertheless, my heart sinks a little lower, especially when I realize I can feel Cami's spine sticking out through her shirt.
"I need a nap. Let's go, Cam." I usher her out of the apartment, shooting a quick "Thank you" at Sam, who nods and tells us she'll see us at the theatre tonight.
After a well-deserved and much needed nap, I cajole Cam into eating about ¾ of a cup of quinoa salad from the deli across the street. It's not much, but it's more than I've seen her eat in a while and I'm fueled by this victory, small though it may be. I leave her about half a block away from the theatre, and she sneaks in the front while I greet fans at the stage door. We cleared this early on with our company manager, and everyone agreed that Cami didn't need the added stress of the stage door. When I get into my dressing room, Cami's not there. I try to contain my panic as I move down the hall, and let out a sigh when I see her on the couch in Lin's dressing room. I push through the beaded curtain to see Cami wearing Lin's headphones and intently listening to something coming from his computer. He's staring at her attentively, trying to read every rise and fall of her eyebrows and crinkle of her nose. She pulls the headphones off after about 30 seconds and hands them back to Lin.
"What do you think?" Lin asks earnestly, bouncing in his seat. After a second, she breaks into a wide grin and nods. Lin lets out a huge exaggerated sigh and flops on the ground.
"Oh thank goodness. I've made it past my toughest critic." I giggle at this too, and the two of them jump as they notice me in the doorway for the first time.
"Closed meeting Pips. Top secret, highly confidential, you know." Lin snorts a little as he says this, and I whack him lightly on the arm.
"I'm here to steal my girl back. You're hogging her." Lin sticks his tongue out at Cam and me as we leave, though he winks at me and mouths "good luck," once she's turned around.
I take a deep breath as Cam and I walk into my dressing room, knowing that what I have planned sounds a little crazy and could potentially blow up in my face.
Lin gave me the idea initially. Anthony had blown up one day in rehearsal, frustrated and tired, and had declared himself useless and un-talented and threatened to quit. I'd watched as Lin sat him down in the first row of the theatre, speaking rapidly to him in Spanish while he slowly calmed down. Jazzy had approached Lin later and thanked him for helping with Ant's breakdown, and what Lin had said stuck in my mind.
"When I'm really upset, my brain stops working in English. I figured it was the same for Anthony. Spanish calms him down." I thought back to the first time Cami and I got coffee, when she told me she speaks French, and enlisted Andrew a couple days ago to help me string some basic thoughts together. Patting my pocket to make sure I have my cheat sheet on me, I mentally review.
She sits down in her usual spot on the couch, but seems puzzled when I sit down next to her, instead of at my usual place in front of the mirror to start my makeup. She's even more puzzled when I start speaking in what I'm sure is horrible French.
"Cam, je pense que tu es extraordinaire. Tu me rends heureuse, tu me fais rire. Tu ne dois pas parler jusqu'à ce que tu es prêt. Je t'attendrai." I'm focusing so hard on not screwing up verb conjugations that I'm not paying very much attention to Cami's face until I stop talking. She grabs my hands with both of hers and looks me dead in the eyes. My heart is racing and if her face is any indication, so is Cami's mind. She opens her mouth a couple times but nothing happens, and tears start to well up in her eyes as she clears her throat, clearly frustrated. I start drawing random shapes on her palms with my thumbs, encouraging her to keep trying. She closes her eyes for a second and when she opens them, her eyes are shining.
"Pippa?" The sound of her voice, rusty from underuse, makes my heart leap. I nod, trying to keep the tears at bay.
"Yes, Cam?" She leans in a little, more confident this time.
"Je t'aime." I recognize this phrase from my three years of high school French, and pull her into my lap, burying my head in her hair.
"I love you too, Cam. More than you know."
**********
translation time! (this is a mix of my shoddy french and the internet's sketchy french so forgive me)
Pippa says: Cami, I think you're extraordinary. You make me happy, you make me laugh. You don't have to talk until you're ready. I'll wait for you.
and je t'aime means I love you
enjoy this ridiculously long chapter! (1543 words)
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The Uncanny Accuracy of Fate
Fanfic... Camille Beckett and Phillipa Soo have been living only miles apart for years, though their paths have never crossed. It's amazing what a masterclass and a musical can do. Who knows, maybe it's fate!
