only the lonely // josh klinghoffer

ch. 14

After hearing the line ring several times, the call went straight to voicemail. I couldn't help but feel defeated inside. But it was really late, he could be asleep by now. So I left him a voice message.

"Hey, just calling to tell you that I miss you. A lot. And I may or may not be a lil tipsy. *laughs* Talk to you soon," I said, before shutting my phone. I felt myself let out a sigh as I leaned against the wall outside of the venue. I just wanted to go home. I started walking away when I heard someone yelling behind me.

"Frankie, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to make you run off like that. I should've never tried to kiss you. I'm really sorry," exclaimed Mark, who was out of breath.

I looked at him with an annoyed look. I mean, at least he was apologizing for what he did. But that still didn't give him the right to think that I would want him in that way.

"I'll forgive you if you let me bum a cigarette off of you?" I said, trying to lighten up the mood.

"Of course," he replied, pulling a pack out of his pocket. He lit mine for me, and we both stood there in complete silence. I could feel my nerves begin to tingle, and I think he could tell. Where was my Xanax when I needed it?

"Here, take this. It'll calm you down." He picked something else from his pocket, and from the corner of my eye, I noticed that it was two pills located in a small clear baggy. In a perfect world, I probably would've said no to this. But I guess I was feeling risky, so I silently accepted his offer. I grabbed the pills and threw them in my mouth, swallowing them and easily feeling each pill slowly go down my throat.

"Come with me," he said, grabbing my hand and slowly leading me to the opposite direction of the venue. Funny thing was, was that I never let go of his hand. I didn't want to. Yep, I'm a HUGE hypocrite. After what seemed like several minutes, I could feel myself begin to let go. It was like I had no control over my body or my actions. I felt empty, almost like I was floating. This entire sensation felt scary, but I didn't want it to go away. I kind of liked not being able to know what was going to happen. I felt like I was trapped inside of a sad & depressing Smiths song, except I wasn't crying or filled with complete devastation. I was feeling a good type of numb. And for the first time in weeks, I wasn't sad anymore.

Mark and I completely disappeared together, into the night. I don't exactly know where we went to or what we did, but I know that I was in parts of the city that I didn't recognize. Occasionally, he would squeeze my hand and place his hand on my back. I didn't stop him, even though I just knew that this wasn't right of me to let happen. I oddly felt at ease having someone touch me. I was probably only allowing this to happen because I was too high to even keep myself under control.

I was introduced to so many different people I had never seen before, whose faces I didn't quite recognize. I was Mark's eye candy for other people to take in, and I gave full consent to it, even though I was mentally in another state.

Somehow, we ended up at someone's house party by the beach. It was way past midnight, and I left the scene alone, to sit on the cold sand and look into the dark skies as the ocean roared against the shore. I missed Josh, but I hated how uncomfortable that made me feel. I hated that I was feeling so dependent on him. I felt like that during my entire relationship with my ex boyfriend, and I didn't want to feel like that with Josh. I didn't want to feel "comfortable" in our relationship, because I was always scared something bad would happen if I let myself grow used to us. 

I leaned my head back and fell onto the sand, closing my eyes and wishing for sleep. I didn't care if sand would consume me; I just wanted this sad, empty feeling to go away.

Several minutes later, I felt somebody lay down next to me. Before I could open my eyes and see who it was, the person leaned over and gently planted a kiss on my cheek. I opened my eyes, and saw Mark smiling at me, his eyes red and strained. I wasn't sober enough to stop him from doing so, but his presence wasn't such a bad thing right now. I laid next to him, resting my head on his chest and closed my eyes.

I wasn't ready to wake up from this, whatever this was.